I think I totally f*cked up, and now I feel terrible
Sitting down over the holiday, I vaguely remember going over an advance directive with Mom a few years ago. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was attuned to "if I'm going be a vegetable/zombie/demented, let me die." This was after she was diagnosed with MCI, but before Alzheimer's, and I never followed up with her to be sure she was serious.
Well, she was doing decently well and living independently with assistance, when her colon ruptured and I was called from out of state. I consented to the emergency surgery. Now she's advanced from stage 4ish to roughly end of stage 6, and I'm guilt ridden.
... I did this. I consented without thinking. I thought she still had time and would end up recovering. But, she hasn't. And now I wonder, would she have preferred I let her die? I messed up, didn't I? Selfishly, I love having more time with her, but it's also gut wrenching to see her this way. Would it have been kinder to reject the surgery?
I don't usually swear, but F*CK