u/pokaeve

disclaimer: fairly long, i just rant about my current issues trying to move on and get out of this homeschooling crap. If anyone has any input, ur welcome to add! feel free to.   

I also want to preface that my situation isn't as bad as others, considering other stories I've read on here. I'm in a bit of a tricky situation atm, and any insight would be appreciated! I just want to move onto the next thing 🥲  

 

At the ripe age of 14 I made the grave decision to ask my dad about homeschooling due to underlying mental health issues that went unaddressed. (Hey, what’s up with parents thinking they can take the HUGE responsibilities of a teacher whose job requires patience, kindness, and a hard earned degree??) Covid hit and my chances of attending a public school ever again, like high-school, were practically zero. Because I never did my work at home, I was afraid I would be so behind. Made fun of for lacking foundation, or worse, be pulled back a grade (terrible news for an asian parent), so I just assumed I'd never go.   

I have trouble staying focused too. I got a bad studying habit, I procrastinate like crazy. I was never taught the practical skills or got the chance to actually practice them beyond middle school. There has been a huge gap in my years. Everyone's under this impression I got adequate schooling. I'm living a lie. I feel so inadequate, here i am trying to make up lost years of my life because I was too afraid to confront the truth of my reality. Now I'm 19, turning 20 soon. I still feel ostracized. Everyone around me gets to continue living on with their lives and education, while I'm stuck in this odd time period. It's paralyzing. This place helps me out though, makes it tolerable at least. :^) I'm fortunate enough to have found this community as young as I did.   

I can't keep up with everybody's lifestyle. They keep up on assignments while I'm lazing around. Making achievements, making their parents proud, contributing with a part-time job as well, I want that too 🥲. But there's a huge barrier of anxiety preventing me from doing so. Whenever I'm outside, my brain short circuits. I believe fixing it will be gradual, having brief periods of outside time to slowly build my confidence. Grow from my comfort zone. Just...   

I feel terrible, this all could have been prevented if I tried again sooner. I've lost years. But then again, I have been battling my own kind of struggles, homeschool only intensified that. Now I'm here paying the consequences for a dumb whim I made when I was barely a teenager, which resulted in years of my life wasted. I know others have had their entirety of their childhood stolen away from them. I can't imagine starting there when I've only lost a couple of years. There was a major stepping stone I missed when I was already going on the right track. An entire development phase I skipped out on, I was so close to making it out man.  

Because there were no deadlines or checking/monitoring my work in my (“very thorough, actually amazing”), bare minimum homeschool program, I was never held accountable and now have trouble with disciplining myself. I get extremely guilty when I waste the whole day away. I try and study some subjects a day, and then the next I'm horribly tired. Or even worse, my brain finds any excuse to avoid any work. Noticing the huge workload doesn’t help either. I know consistency is key, I really envy kids who have strict scheduling they don't have to make up. They can just follow a routine and go on with their day. I consistently feel bummed due to how behind I am from my peers/cousins (even years younger apart from me). I get so jealous and resentful of what they get to have. It's stupid, really, something so basic they don't have to think twice about it. Yet once you're deprived of that simple one thing, it becomes utter hell to live through. Nearly impossible to have a functional, normal, healthy type of lifestyle.   

Every year it's the same recipe. I try to catch up with various online resources.. and fail halfway through. I go, okay, I'm going to 'catch up' before fall. Summer approaches, then fall season. Which means school season, and bam I’m discouraged because I failed to reach my goal of catching up in that set amount of time I gave myself. Another factor in why I get so depressed during school season mainly isn't due to me. During this time, I always try to convince my parents to enroll my younger brother in a nearby school. I acknowledge kids who actually GET to go to school, live a normal balanced life, I want that for him! EVERY TIME they reach for stupid excuses to not want to. but that's a post for another day. Unfortunately, I can't do any convincing of them right now when all they’ll do is shame me for not ‘focusing on myself’. Dismissing me, reiterating that “it’s not my problem to worry about.” Bullshit. I essentially raised him too. It just hurts seeing the cycle repeat to my sibling. It reminds me of awful days, months of isolation. And that's exactly what they’re doing to him, but they can't see it.   

Rinse and repeat. That's been my couple attempts at any relation to school these past years. It’s crushing each time I fail. It always takes me after winter till I can find myself to bounce back again.   

I value my family. i love them lots. ALTHOUGH, they distract me. It's so annoying being interrupted by noises in the house. I’m painfully aware of everything that's going on at all times. The flow of my thoughts gets distracted, I can’t focus. I've tried to just block it out. It doesn't help that walls are thin, and people have blaring, loud talking voices. Or perhaps my keen hearing is just the issue, being constantly on alert for any subtle noise. Maybe it’s a cpstd thing from growing up a rough childhood? It was survival back then. Now my senses have heightened to protect myself. But I can't control it! The problem is, I need radio silence to myself in order to properly convey and hear myself. I crave moments where I can go unbothered. I need room and time to articulate my thoughts. Like journaling, almost. I need to comprehend what I'm thinking!!   

I wish my brother attended school. That's another reason why I’m so distracted. I could have all of morning time uninterrupted to myself. He wouldn't get home till afternoon. I’m sick of living with somebody 24/7, at least I get breaks from my parents when they go to work. But he's here all the time. I don't have space. I'm envious of people who have a whole area dedicated to focusing. Learning, uninterrupted silence. They get a lot done. This is why I frequently stay up till the middle of the night or early morning before everybody gets up. Night when everybody is asleep is my favorite. It’s when I can clearly hear myself! Articulate my words and write them down. Otherwise, it’s a loud phone speaker in the living room, lowkey can’t focus when there's a movie blasting in the living room! Or it’s when my brother begs to play toss every day and beg to watch a new thing he’s currently obsessed with. The thing is though, I don't want to become distant to him. I must set time aside to spend time together, my family and me. I want to be able to indulge in his interests and goof around doing random sibling shit. Ride our bikes around when it gets warmer, enjoy being out in the sun. Let him experience a fun childhood.    

I don't want to be too harsh when I say no to things. I feel so bad. But at the same time, I do have stuff I frankly *need* to attend. It’s tough. I'm worried about maintaining a balance. That's why having an obligation, having a good reason to excuse myself, a designated area just so solely focus on myself! A set time AWAY from people, heck some dang space would be really beneficial & very healthy for me. I want to be able to do those things, but not constantly! I need balance, some separation.

  

Now here’s where I'm stumped️, I’m faced with the dilemma of choosing community college or a 4-year first. 

My cousin and I are practically siblings. Close-knit because our mom's are twin sisters who immigrated here together. And funny enough, born us into the same year. We grew up together at every family birthday, event, holiday, and hang out. We are always grouped up together, I don’t want to lose that connection again. The two of us grew apart drastically during my dreadful homeschooling days, in which the isolation only fed deeper into my self-inflicting behavior and my depression state. Since then, I've thankfully gotten treatment, but I'm still stuck with untangling this mess. I would like more opportunities to make up for lost time. He didn't get the homeschool treatment, I envy him a bunch. Right now, he currently attends an in-state school 30 minutes from us. This school is the only one in my tri-state that offers a program I'm dying to enter. If I were to attend this college, he would be the main one I would rely on. Already a familiar face. Introduce me to things, assist me with learning the ropes of the campus and perhaps advice with professors. I'm afraid. This will be our final chance to make fond memories as goofy teens without the soon stress & time consuming life of adulthood and full time working.   

Realistically, community college WOULD be the most reasonable for a smooth transition and adjusting period. Less social status, less immense pressure like real colleges. I'll have time and the space to figure it out, rather than stressing about typical college classes that may be out of my limited amount of general knowledge on subjects or handling a grueling schedule. Am I overreacting on four year colleges? Is it really THAT scary? Would passing the GED be enough to get me by? They say it's relatively easy. Would I still be missing holes or gaps in my knowledge? Is it easy to keep up compared to average high school graduate students?    

Although, this year my cousin will be a junior. I’m conflicted. If I do community college first, it'll take a while, right? And those potential bonding periods would be gone. For me, IDEALLY 4 year college, but that comes with TONS of pressure to constantly uphold. Along with getting used to a social learning environment again, that's overwhelming. So much pressure to do good. Will I be treated to a higher standard that I can't achieve? Will I fail? Do I just suck it up? Live in anxiety that I'm behind? Keep up with everybody, before I'm considered the age "too late".   

Or should I begin school by gradually learning and ease myself into it? I know the latter is the smarter option for adjusting, but I want to keep up with him. I want to build more memories and make up for lost time I spent in isolation. He's always busy with school, so I feel attending this one will help strengthen our connection. I really cherish him, he's assisted in patiently bringing me out of my depressive phases when I needed it. Just a generally cheerful and chill dude, in contrast to me who's an anxious, socially inept mess. I want to build that type of confidence and carefree attitude 🥲       

Another factor to consider is the cost. That comes with its downsides, living the notorious American Dream. Free education is nonexistent, costing an arm and a leg for some wild reason. That's what’s so troubling, I won't be attending a high league college that'll cost crazy amounts of money.. it's a local in-state school. Relatively big I think? but I do intend to work part time once I start working through my anxiety of driving...gulp. I'm not THAT concerned about funds as my parents would provide me financial support. I am aware of FASFA too, just absolutely no clue how to navigate it. My cousin/friends can help guide me since they've been through the whole college application process. You can also still apply for scholarships while attending too, I believe?   

I want to start attending this program asap.. I'm really interested in it....it's an understatement how ecstatic i am to start attending and putting my time trying at these classes. This major has been my dream.   

Yet the debate for finishing general credits at CC or college still has me undecided. I know cc are notably less expensive. Much more of an accommodating and kinder environment for less than half the price, compared to larger, lecture based classes in uni. Cc SEEMS like the choice, right? Would community college be better for what I want? What's the difference between them aside from expenses to those who’ve experienced both? What’s your recommendations? 

Could I enroll in remedial classes RIGHT now? Catch up before the fall, apply early and make it in? This school doesn't have any crazy requirements... I think. If u have a 2.75 u are automatically eligible for admission. Minimum 2.5 gpa through a close college mentor advisor program thingy and ACT/SAT scores aren't required to submit. It’s a local school that accepts the ged too, I looked into that. All I have to do is pass all the tests. Roughly, how long would that take before the fall? Do I rush my process in getting that GED at my own, messy, unstructured pace I've been trying to build upon years off and on?? There are free GED assistance programs near me. Is that essentially the same thing as remedial classes? How long do those usually take?  

I’d need remedial classes 8-12 grade.  I’m lucky enough it wasn’t sooner, but there’s still a big portion of subject matters I’ve missed.  

Would the ged prepare me for college level exams? Jeez I've never even taken an exam. Or a test that big. I worry I'll feel dumb compared to kids around me, who I'm supposed to be matching.  

I feel like I'm losing EVEN more time as well. It feels dire. Like a clock is ticking running out for me. Though I've read it’s not true, that this is only the beginning of my journey, I'm still desperate to fit in while I'm still young. I want to attend as soon as possible. Like. Dying. I'm at the threshold.. idk I want to be like the freshmen too. I'm desperate for any place of irl belonging. I want to be able to say 'im attending xyz' at holiday events to questioning family members, instead of coming up short and not being able to say anything. I want to spend hours dedicated to working on a project. Practice for finals, anything to feel accomplished. Something to build routine in my day to day! Rather than being miles behind, lacking fundamental areas in their life. I want to grow to be independent after prolonged years of not finding the courage to.  

I want time to myself. I want to grow and learn to be independent. Find things I enjoy, explore things a bit more, yk?!?! Jeez, if only I went to a high school. That could have been my chance. How do I do all of this for the very first time? When I'm turning 20, and supposed to already have enrolled in college, a job, and interacting with the public! Most people are already experienced in these fields. I will look a dang fool fumbling around, not knowing what the hell to do.  

I try and study for a day or two, and I lose all motivation & energy and spiral into 'am I even doing this right??' How does one even study effectively? ESPECIALLY with this towering workload? I was never taught the techniques, or even strategies to study beyond the seventh grade. I have the capabilities of a middle schooler. I‘m stuck at a child‘s age. Socially, educationally, and what feels like, physically. I am mentally and treated as such.  

I’m worried about their reaction if they found out I took remedial classes. What would I tell them? That I've been practically lying to them for years straight regarding the ENTIRE time  I  supposedly spent being homeschooled?  How do I explain to questioning admission officers? I’ve thought about an easy out without having to delve into exactly why. Blaming covid would be simple, (since it happened ironically the year right after I started homeschooling), but it’s been literal years since that. It WAS technically my fault that I didn’t log into that stupid boring website every day. I swear all my dad did was search “free homeschooling program” into the search bar and that seemed enough to suffice. It was supposed to provide me with lessons, it barely even did that. Why was he my “principal” again? Yes, that’s what he called himself. Apparently homeschooling me yet wouldn’t do any of the teaching parts or assist me throughout all of my years. Why did he think he was qualified in the first place?? He should have told me “no” and figured out the root cause of the problem of why I wanted to be homeschooled so badly in the first place. Why didn’t he even question it? And if he did ask, why did he just believe my lie?   

I don’t know how my parents were so blind to my clear mental health struggles. Despite claiming to care about me and my future, they did nothing to help when I was clearly failing. I could've had the treatment & medicine I needed much sooner than I did. Whatever. Do I resent them for this? Yes, 100%, but I still love and care about them. I still want to be able to maintain on good terms. This was just an unfortunate situation growing up for me, a hiccup that temporarily strained my relationship with them. I mainly blamed it on myself and avoided the issue, (because I thought I wouldn’t even live to make it past a certain age). Now here I am, trying to restore the disaster of my messes.  

It hurts because now there's this invisible emotional scar I must carry around. They really don't get it, how held back we have it. Complicating it and forcing us to work even harder than the average person to make any sort of progress. I repeatedly lose track of time. Summer break rolls around and my fam/friend want to spend practically every living moment together.  Constantly, every day, and I do enjoy it! But it occupies and diverts me from my original catch-up-in-anticipation-to-fall plan. Before I know it, summer’s over, school fall season is back, and I’m still majorly behind! Cue the depression cycle. Every time they want to hang out, I feel guilty. I have to be catching up. I need to capitalize on my spare time, squeeze as much as possible to avoid losing and wasting EVEN more time.   

I have a hard time saying no to them. What would I tell them? I don't have any solid excuses to use on friends who want to hang out on summer break. I can't be like, aww man sorry, can’t unfortunately, I got class. I have zero obligations! I have no valid reason to excuse my absence. "Oh hold up, let me just study years of material I foolishly missed, just to catch up to your basic level." That's so embarrassing. "In fact, I'm actually equivalent to the intelligence of a 7th grader! I know nothing beyond that grade level. I'm this crazy poser pretending to blend in, I don't know anything. I'm quite dense. This is the reason why I act so childish and odd, I can’t handle anything or was even allowed to grow up past this age." What type of lie would excuse that behavior? I’m so stupid.  

Woof, sorry for the random rant all of a sudden. I'm mainly at a loss here. I really dunno what to do. Should I go the cc route or do I consider the relationship of my cousin who will be graduating relatively soon? How do I even navigate that decision..? What would be more suitable for what I want?   

I could seek any advice and gather tips from my fam to see how they’re navigating college already having two years under their belt.  . My best bet for a relatively cheap, early education is this one. Maybe I'm a bit bias asking in here because I know people will recommend cc, but to those who went to a four year first was it worth it? I feel like it really depends.   

CC would force me to be more independent. Grow my confidence a bit more. But with my anxious nature right now, I crave any familiarity. I feel robbed, high-school could have been that place & my chances to do exactly that. But now I'm forced to rush into adulthood without knowing what im doing. What do I even say to explain my gap years? Family stuff? What would be a fit explanation for such a distressing time in my life that took years to overcome? A traumatic experience that’s already so stigmatized in our culture?  

Homeschooling is already held to such a standard in our culture. My doctor, who has on record I’m homeschooled, immediately jumped to the conclusion that my family is wealthy solely because I was a homeschool student. Nah, not some middle-class family who live in an apartment complex, no that’d be impossible.. Why is that their first assumption? My pediatrician LITERALLY thought I had an assigned teacher/butler?? and have a designated study room, hunny noo, it’s way worse than that 😭🙏They assumed THAT first, than making sure My basic needs were being met. (like, learning in school...) I was so scared to say anything because I thought that’d mean my parents would get in trouble with the law, then that meant them getting mad at me for not doing my work and lying about it.  

In my case, I was too afraid to speak up. I didn't know what I was going through during my homeschooling, Or understood how devastating it would be later for me. My mindset was just ‘trying to live' at that time. It felt like survival for me. It provided (temporary) relief for me, relishing in YouTube content, social media, yk... things that could distract me from how miserable and pathetic I had it. All due to being homeschooled, my growth is stunted. Now I gotta keep up with the whole crowd. I just can't help the looming guilt that this is all my fault. No one truly understands the kind of challenges we face when something so simple gets taken away from us. We don’t get to retry, we can’t get our time back. Our chances were stripped from us. We deserved just as much as the other kids! I CRAVE what could've been my AP classes that I could've taken in high school. The cool, random, fascinating fun facts I could have acquired. Participated in extracurricular activities or the wide selection of clubs they offered, there were so many to explore. Everyone found their own niche.  

I have no senior class. No walking down the ceremony stage. I can't relate when people will eventually say what high school they're from because I never got to go! I can't even pinpoint off the top of my head what year I graduated, that's how bad the years blended. A lot of the many things people can bond over, I’m not able to relate at all. Not even in the slightest. It was an event that took such a heavy toll and influenced who i am today.  

The reason why I am talking about this is cuz I need a concrete goal to look forward to. That's my main motivation to help me navigate.. Taking up classes now would occupy me to consistently work toward my goal. Should I take any summer/spring classes in the meanwhile? That’s what I was planning to do, I don’t know where to start and I am quite frightened. I am unsure which to take . CC remedial classes? Ged assistance program? Pass GED on my own account and jump straight into the four year I’m eager to enter? 

I mean, either way, cc or four-year it is going to be scary. I just have to prioritize what I want most 🥲. But gosh I’m so conflicted cuz I don't know what would be best in the long run. Can you see where I'm kind of torn? I guess the question is, do I prioritize living in the moment with them?  My age is relatively young... I still want to keep up with the crowd, stay connected with everyone. I would really like to be able to keep up with my peers. A plan that also makes certain I'm caught up at the corresponding grade level as everyone else, a way that won't make a fool of me in class..!  Is there somehow a happy medium I could do that I can ensure structure, while also hoping to get into the semester at my cousin’s in the fall?  

I want to be able to achieve my goals, have fun without dreading the death of my future every single day. Look forward to things that make me happy, be able to have things of my own. 

Halfway through writing this, I'm starting to realize I'm just desperate for any comfort right now. My mind spirals into thinking about which one would be the "right" choice, the most fitting down the line. It's just my brain trying to solve problems and protect me, but it's causing me a great amount of stress (As u can tell with this mass amount of wall of text...my bad. Trying to be real as possible here), and just to add, I do have ocd so I am a bit of an anxious ruminator, if u couldn't tell already 😅I've been told it's a strength by my psychiatrist that my anxious habits make me super careful and thoughtful, but damn sometimes I feel like I'm running around in circles debating nonsense. I’m stressed out of my mind over this. 

I can't discuss or get advice from anybody close to me really, so I have to turn to strangers on this one. Thank u.. I just want to be able to confide in those who truly understand the situation I've been given. Because this is the only ever place that will have people that can understand, it feels like we only have one another. There's really no support group for this type of thing. 

What would you recommend, do I play it safely? What things should I be considering? I frankly don't care about the consequences.. I only live once, right? Who cares?  

Ty for reading this absurd wall of text, apologies for any mistakes, trying to make this somewhat cohesive from my endless rambling. I can clear up anything in the comments or provide any context about any portion of my rant if u like

any feedback, advice, (Advice would be immensely appreciated 🙏😭), similar stories, or anything that resonated with you, i would appreciate a bunch! Anything that would help put things in perspective for me.