Struggling with my mother thinking I need to move on, 2 months post-TFMR
Just need to vent to this group because I know you all will understand 🫶
I’m 7 weeks out from my tfmr and the loss of my sweet baby boy, Leo. On top of that, my husband lost his mother just over a year ago so these two losses felt back-to-back. My mother and sisters (who all have young children) started a group chat to plan a get-together for Mother’s Day. I sent a very kind text saying how much we love them and appreciate them all as mothers, but that my husband and I are struggling with these two losses and the day feels heavy this year so we won’t be attending this time.
No one responded, and two days later my mother reached out and said, to summarize: “I worry you’re letting the loss of your baby define you. My wish is that you will focus on the positives in your life. What happened is heartbreaking but I have learned that life will continue to throw you punches. The key is how you regroup”
WHEW. Guys. I almost lost it. To even suggest that missing ONE two-hour family lunch is “letting my loss define me” is mind-boggling. First of all, even if I spent the last 7 weeks in bed crying, that’s ok! This is life-altering trauma. But despite that, I went back to life and work as usual just a week after the procedure, attended all family/social events, and thrown myself into gardening and renovation projects. This might be my first time actually expressing that I’m struggling.
It’s giving “we are here for you always, as long as you do exactly what we expect of you without outwardly expressing your grief or making us feel uncomfortable 🩷🙂↔️” the audacity to tell me to be positive and regroup less than 2 months later is craaazy.
Anyways, all that to say - I am so grateful that we have this space to vent and support each other. I’m also so frustrated that this is such a consistent challenge in this community. People are so quick to brush this loss under the rug. The audacity of others to judge how we grieve continues to astound me. Sending love to all of you who are struggling this Mother’s Day - I love you and you are 100% justified in grieving ANY WAY YOU NEED. Sending you all some extra strength today 🫶