Help Me Resist the Urge to Crash Out & Return to My Lover Girl Sh*t!
Flirted with the idea of posting here before, but unexpectedly learning that my ex-situationship entered a relationship last night was the catalyst for me. I have no lingering feelings for him, but I started to reminisce about the “Will you give me a chance to prove ___?” and “I’m not ready for a relationship” spiels he made when we were together. While I can acknowledge that the behaviors of another do not inherently reflect a deficit on my end, I can’t lie and say that I’m not struggling to not internalize the idea that: I am unlovable.
For context, I have borderline personality disorder (amongst other ailments, nooo), the symptoms of which have severely impacted my dating life. I have been single for two years now, and though I have been physically and casually involved with others— with the exception of the situationship that I genuinely believed would evolve into a mutually romantic dynamic— since then, I have been mindful not to pursue a romantic relationship until and unless I felt confident in my ability to navigate one healthily and with better conflict resolution skills.
I am happy to report that I have made significant strides towards healing my inner child and developing a secure attachment style, and that I am currently seeing someone whose care for me is genuine and felt. (Yay!)
But shit, it’s still tough out here.
Seeing my situationship publicly post about his relationship— six months after we ended, three months after a final message I did not respond to, and two months after my friend found his profile on Hinge— made me play the comparison game a bit. Why is he moving at a different pace than I am? Am I not dating material? Will I ever be cut out to have a functional relationship, or be desirable enough for another to want to date me?
I took some time apart from the person I am currently seeing last week to attend to personal responsibilities and gain clarity about what I truly want in this moment. He is doing the same this week to assess if this is sustainable for him, and my anxiety is at an all-time high. I hate to admit to it, because I know it is a form of self-sabotage and not the most well-founded, but the uncertainty of it all has me already anticipating and preparing to be “dumped,” lol.
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Other relevant stressors include:
- I am in a line of work where I engage with domestic violence survivors on a daily basis, and the burnout is so real.
- The people in my life, aside from some immediate family and my former university advisor, are under the impression that I completed my bachelor’s program three years ago. I was five credits and one essay short from graduating, and the weight of this secret has been so heavy.
- Finances aren’t looking too great, since a decent part of my paycheck
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- go towards bills, so I am considering moving in with my grandparents once my lease ends in August.
(One of my tasks last week was to meet with my former advisor, who is so graciously continuing to support me with completing program requirements this summer. I am considering the prospect of law school in my near future, so time is of the essence. There is so much shame I hold around the process that it took to get here, though.)
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It is the “glimmers” in life that sustain me. Knowing that despite all the fuckshit happening around us, we will always show up for one another in times of need. I love having those wholesome interactions with strangers. I love hearing stories that remind me how beautiful of an experience it is to be human.
Please tell me it is okay, and that it will be okay. Have you had success at long-term relationships with BPD? Did you have an unconventional academic career?
Maybe tell me what is bringing you joy today? 🩷