u/nascent3ch0_

Half Man is a show where all of the main characters are simultaneously abusers and victims. Alby is no different, and his toxicity was established before he even met Niall and Ruben. After being outed and abused in boarding school Alby fell into a cliché defense mechanism queer people of a certain generation (myself included) should instantly recognize; he made his victimhood his entire personality. He defines himself by what he has endured, and he thinks himself morally superior for having endured it. His objection to shaking hands with people is a manifestation of that defensive arrogance dressed up as intellectual principle.
 
That same superiority reflex erodes his empathy in ways I’m surprised don’t get more attention. When Niall, who at this point in the story is essentially a baby gay spinning out in the midst of his gay awakening, isn’t ready come out and be with him openly yet he takes it personally and tries to tell Ruben. Alby would by this point be aware Ruben is dangerous, even if he doesn’t know yet just how dangerous, so this is a direct attack on Niall’s wellbeing and safety motivated by pain and selfishness. Later he actually does out Niall to Joanna, and while this is somewhat more understandable given what Ruben did and that Niall is leading Joanna on, it’s still a line he’s not justified in crossing until Niall actually perjures himself.
 
Then there’s the decision to get back with Niall later on and eventually marry him. Admittedly, episodes 4-6 have not aired yet and may contextualize this decision, it is remarkably self-destructive on multiple levels. Alby was almost killed by Niall’s brother and later almost framed as a rapist by both of them. It’s difficult to imagine a healthy person, let alone one who is defined by trauma, being able to integrate the emotions inherent in that reality to the point where they can truly forgive (let alone forget). Certainly not in a healthy way. Especially if that person remains exposed and in close proximity to their abuser. The cherry on top of this fucked up Sunday is his reaction to Ruben’s presence at the wedding. Alby’s very first concern is that Ruben is there to finish the job vis-a-vis him. While this is perhaps understandable, it shows no concern for Niall own wellbeing, especially if Alby is as aware of Niall and Ruben’s bond as he claimed to be back in college.
 
All this leads me to believe that Alby is still defining himself through his victimhood, and in a way longs for this. He keeps choosing this in much the same way Niall keeps choosing Ruben: compulsively, and like a moth directly to the flame.

I think Ruben and Niall’s attachment is both separate from and contiguous with their repressed sexuality. I also think as time goes on their polarity shifts as well: Ruben being more brother than repressed lover earlier on. Ruben needs to frame it as brotherhood to integrate it at all. As others have noted, Ruben being an SA victim himself is heavily hinted at. After Alby’s bashing that dynamic is thrown in reverse, with Ruben becoming gradually more consciously aware of the sexuality dimension of their connection. This is driven by Niall’s reaction to the assault itself and by Niall’s attempts to withdraw from their bond using distance in the years that follow.

As Celeste points out Ruben needs a head and Niall needs a body, but that’s also an oversimplification because Ruben isn’t stupid. He’s highly emotionally intelligent, as survivors of trauma often have to be, and he recalls Niall was hiding something the day he bashed Alby, arrives at what that secret was indirectly via the ‘cockhungry’ comment he attributes to Lori, and engages with Niall’s theatrical performances on a literary level. Granted, in the case of Niall’s play performances he twists the plot points to suit his narrative with Niall, but does anyone seriously think Ruben is a thespian? Let’s also not forget he has consistently showed the ability to intuit Niall’s emotional states, if not understand them.

So here’s my theory:

Im unsure of the exact form this will take. I think Ruben goes through some imperfect growth while in prison for bashing Alby. I think he figures out, or is told about, what Alby meant to Niall and it brings to partial awareness their shared romantic and sexual tension but importantly not the myriad deeper dimensions of their dysfunctional bond. This becomes a new framework independent of brotherhood that Ruben has no choice but to consider while fixating on Niall from inside. In his own very imperfect and incomplete way I think he starts to accept this.

When he gets out of prison, after the initial shock and bother of dealing with Niall’s unresolved betrayal in court, Ruben makes an earnest effort to change their dynamic to reflect that new framework and Niall rejects it. His rejection is not for lack of desire, but as a function of his own imperfect growth. This wouldn’t be just the rejection of a brother, friend, and partner but also an existential identity annihilation threat for Ruben. An identify he would see as already bending over backwards to meet Niall where he is by trying in the first place. I think this is the seed that eventually grows into the act of attempted murder at the wedding. I say attempted because as we know, Niall is armed. Niall is going to be forced to kill or seriously injure Ruben to survive, and we know he knows how from all his gallows humor involving ways out and ventricles when Lori gives him the knife. I think Ruben’s last words (if it’s kill and not injure) will be pride in Niall for killing him, relief that Niall will be okay without him, and show ends with the audience sitting in Niall’s reality: that he can never fix things with or let go of Ruben.

I’m not sure how articulate I’m being but I’m writing this under my desk at work because that’s how much this show has taken over my thoughts!