Dead man walking
I don’t remember
the day it all changed.
Only that since then
I have been fighting
a battle I cannot win.
Every day
I fight the urge
to end it all.
Not because my life is hard,
I know there are others
who carry heavier burdens,
but because I am tired.
Tired of the sadness.
Tired of the loneliness.
Tired of myself.
For years now
I have delayed the inevitable.
Not because I want to live,
but because I cannot bear
to pass this pain
to those who love me.
They did not cause it,
so why should they carry it?
So I stay.
I stay alive
and bear the weight alone.
For how long,
I do not know.
But if the day comes
when I grow too weak,
I hope they can forgive me.
Forgive my weakness.
Forgive the way
I disappeared into myself.
Forgive me
for no longer being there.
Just know,
I tried.
I truly did my best.
I died a long time ago,
so long ago
that I can no longer remember when.
Since then
I have only been
a dead man walking.
And if one day
I take that final step,
know that I was already gone.
That step
would only be the undoing
of a wound
made long before.
Maybe in the end
I simply was not meant
for this world.
And somehow,
that is okay.
I have made my peace.
I only hope
you can understand.
And when I am gone,
please remember:
I love you.
I care for you.
I will never forget you.
I’m sorry
I could not give more.
Maybe in another life
we will meet again.
And maybe then
I will not be such a mess.
Maybe then
you will see my smile
and feel my love
the way I always wished you could.
I wish I could stay.
I really do.
But my mind
has always been in the way.
And so for now
the dead man
keeps walking.