Disagreement over risk
Hello peanut allergy people on Reddit,
I have been with my partner for 6 years and we have occasionally had our disagreements on ways that I can support her with her peanut allergy. More specifically, there are times in which I believe she requests things that are too onerous for me to follow.
To start, I do not bring any peanuts or peanut containing products into my home, my roommate has also agreed to not do so either. We do still have may contain warning label products, but that's it. When I fly or eat peanut products (super rare), I will wash hands/brush teeth, change clothes when I return home.
Her allergy is pretty severe, the number of restaurants in our local area that serve absolutely nothing with peanuts in it or fry with peanut oil is very small. Lots of places have like a peanut butter sandwich on the kids menu, or serve a peanut butter milkshake, or have a prepackaged peanut butter brownie, or use a peanut sauce for their salads, or something like that. A ton of places will have literally one menu item with peanuts in it.
Our two disagreements have followed:
Regardless of whether or not I order or eat anything with peanuts: If I go to a restaurant without her where peanut products are served, I should not sit in any of the seeds or touch the tables, or if I do, immediately change my clothes and shower upon returning home. I may not sit in her car, or touch anything else in our house.
And,
Again, regardless of whether or not I actually ordered/eat any peanuts: I may not bring home any leftover food prepared in said restaurant.
My argument, is that this unfairly places a burden on me that also limits me to only the restaurants that she can eat at because I'm not going to order food and not touch any of the furniture and not bring any leftovers home, Even if, as I mentioned before, I don't actually eat or order any peanuts.
Furthermore, I said if I'm out and about in public and I sit on a park bench, or on a bus seat or at my work, I have no idea if someone else who has touched peanuts has also touched that item.
(Literally One time I did watch a man make a peanut butter sandwich on the bus. Her reaction when I told her? I guess I can't ride the bus anymore. And I'm like people have been doing this forever, the only difference is now you know about it.)
Also, I have a roommate as I mentioned before. He already agreed to not bring home peanut containing products, I cannot possibly police him to the degree she wants.
Her argument is that I should just do what is most likely going to reduce her allergy risk. And that if I didn't want to follow it and she just wouldn't come over to my house anymore. As it is, she and I will clean off all of my countertops etc when she does come over.
I acknowledged to her that her allergy is very significant, but I believed she was letting her anxiety lead her to create excessive safety rituals that might not be evidence based.
To me, I just don't think what she is asking is a fair expectation to place, and feels unduly burdensome, where I feel I am already being accommodating. But that's why I'm reaching out.
Who, if either of us, is being unreasonable here? Is there any documentation one way or another about such a cross cross contamination risk?
Thank you for your time.