Nothing more than average.
My apologies, this is a long post. I feel absolutely defeated.
I currently attend a university that is typically known as safe school/last resort. It has a reputation that the students don't work hard, and any employer that has to pick between me and a candidate who attended a university with higher status would automatically pick the higher status one regardless of the works I pump out or what my CV says. Not only does my university have a rough reputation but it also lacks in resources needed for what I study (social sciences, sociology focused). For those reasons alone, my advisor and a plethora of other professors here have heavily encouraged me to apply to a "better" university.
Heading my advisor and professors words, I decided to apply to universities that were "better". Everything was going really well! I did a ton of research on programs, reached out to prospective advisors well in advance, spent months building my research proposal, etc. I passed the document screenings just fine and had interviews too! I applied with the hope of at least getting into 1 of the schools and it seemed like everything was going to be fine. But I walked away with 0. I received the last rejection today.
I know that it's because I didn't meet the criteria but god I feel so freaking crushed. I really, really thought I had a shot. My confidence has taken a major blow and I'm just so frustrated. Like I feel like I'm always being passed over. For scholarships, for jobs, for programs, literally for everything since I was a kid. And I know that these people worked hard to get in to their programs or get these nice scholarships, but I wish I could be good enough to deserve it too. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I know I don't have the credentials a lot of people have, but I feel as if my circumstances are super skewed because I am my own support. Couldn't afford tutoring as a kid (I'm dyslexic) because my family was low-income and I didn't have the time to anyways since I worked in high school to help out, worked two jobs in college to make ends meet (even with taking out student loans) so not a lot of time to network and my undergrad advisor was awful anyways (he basically refused to help me and literally told me I'd never succeed, laughed when I said I wanted to go to grad school), my MA advisor is nice but very hands off despite me asking for help, not to mention he has like 10 other students; I'm learning how to do everything on my own. My current university doesn't provide funding for MA students so I couldn't attend conferences and I've been passed over for scholarships here too... All the networking and learning how to properly do research and paying for tuition and just literally everything I have been doing on my own.
I don't know what's wrong with me. It could be that I haven't presented at a conference but that costs money I don't have because my school won't cover anything, or maybe I don't have enough publications but those take time and I'm on a visa. Or maybe it's the schools that I've attended but I can't afford the nicer ones without scholarships. I'm on a student visa (outside US) so I'm limited with the hours I can work, and I may or may not be working under the table already to afford living. I am meticulously strict with money, I'm 100% financially responsible for myself (not in contact with family for a laundry list of reasons) and I spent the equivalent of almost $600 on application fees...
I'm desperately trying to get out of this cycle of being passed over and into something with better opportunities. So badly. I can't tell you how much time I've spent watching lectures on YouTube or coaching for graduate interviews or searching for networking events around me or free seminars to attend. I volunteer at my university often, usually for networking or beefing up my CV, but also because I like helping students. I also work as a research assistant. I'm on campus more than I'm at home. The bags under my eyes are permanent at this point and my meals are limited to once a day. My advisor tries to help me but like I said, he has 10 other students to juggle (and who tend to be a higher priority). I'm constantly trying to improve. I just don't understand what else I'm supposed to be doing or what's wrong with me...
I do have a PhD program. I'll be staying at this university and starting in the fall (no funding). I know having a PhD program at a last resort uni is better than not having a PhD program at all. I know it's a privilege to be here. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, I just... I just feel like I'll never be anything other average. Like I'm not good enough. I want to be a professor, I want to teach and inspire others and contribute to research and give students equal opportunities to be the best versions of themselves; to make sure students never feel the way I do... But this constant rejection has me thinking that everyone was right: I'm nothing special. That it doesn't matter how hard I try, I'm too stupid to ever make it into academia or make a difference. I'm just not good enough. And I'm so tired.
If you made it this far, thank you. I hope no one can relate to this. I welcome advice for improvement or strategy or honestly just kind words at this point. And I apologize if this comes off whiny or ungrateful, that's not my intention. I'm just deeply upset by this last rejection. I really thought I had it. Like I thought this was my chance to get into something better and I don't know where it went wrong or what I did.
(Also, it's not that don't like this school, in fact it's the opposite; I love this university. And I hope to come back and teach here to help with said lack of aforementioned resources. I believe it can be a good school for students, especially non-stem ones (the STEM schools have way more funding and better resources than humanities), especially for those students who didn't meet the criteria to get into the "better" universities.)