American interests in the high-stakes summit faltered Wednesday morning when the U.S. President asked General Secretary Xi Jinping why the country dropped the initial syllable "va".
"Gas is only 25 cents a gallon, in some places," said the President. "And in other places, it's 600 percent less."
Gas is not actually a quarter per gallon any place, said industry analyst Morgan Freeman. It's just in the President's head.
Cars are lining up outside the White House now.
The gold will be safely hidden behind a shower curtain.
"The anti-Antichrists live like vermin," snorted the Antichrist. "These aren't people. They're animals."
The beast explained that his opponents suffer from ADS -- Antichrist Derangement Syndrome -- then thanked listeners for their attention to this matter.
"Well," said the Illinois governor, "If that ain't the pot calling the kettle fat."
Sources say several lucky trades in the 3M company moments before the announcement wrapped up millions in gains, completely by chance.
"It's like rubbing salt into a wound," said Robert F. Kennedy Jr., secretary of Health and Human Services. "It cures cancer. Like diet soda."
"So don't worry, be happy," said Kennedy. "Or else."
"By the time you get to the middle," said the President of the United States, "It gets much harder. You have to recognize a cat."
"SQUIRREL!" said the President.
"What do we have to do?" asked the Secretary of Defense. "Bomb a kindergarten? A nursery?"
"But since there isn't," said the President, "The bombings will continue until relations improve."
"I should've learned," mumbled one officer privately, "To play the guitar."
"He's been a very good man," prays the voice. "Some say the best man ever. That's what people are saying. The best man ever. Should be seated just to the right of the big guy … to start."
"I'm D… John Barron, and I approve of this message."