Is my brain screwed?
I started drinking when I was 12 for fun, but the fun stopped and the addiction became prominent when I was about 16. It got worse and worse but really escalated in 2021 (I was 23) when I was fired from my job of 6 years and couldn’t find a new job because of COVID. It was destroying every aspect of my life, I was in and out of the hospital often. I was lucky to know that this wasn’t the life I wanted for myself and was able to get myself into detox like 10+ times between 2021 and 2023, but I was very much of the mindset that nothing mattered and I didn’t care about anything. In 2023 (25 years old) I finally decided to go to rehab. I went to one of the strictest ones in my province (Canadian hehe) and stayed for 60 days. No phone. Programs running 8am to 9pm daily, no day off, would get in trouble for trying to miss anything. I got out and stayed sober for a year until relapsing in July 2024. This relapse lasted almost exactly one year, but this time I was drinking more than I could even imagine possible. 1L or more of vodka a day. I was puking blood, had severe heartburn and my liver was taking a bad hit (fatty liver + more damage). This actually scared me so I went back to detox last summer and haven’t touched anything since. I’m 10 months sober tomorrow.
Here’s my issue. I have decided, now that I’m 28, that it’s time to finally go back to school and get my shit together. I began upgrading my high school classes last week on Monday. I’m in two easy classes, and my brain is simply just not working. I can’t understand what seem to be simple concepts, I can’t find words when I am asked to write, can’t seem to form my thoughts into a sentence. My memory, which once was super human level good, is nonexistent now. I can read a sentence 10 times and still not know what I read.
Somehow, it never occurred to me all along that I was giving myself brain damage. I knew in the very back of my mind that alcohol destroys brain cells, but I didn’t think that even applied to me for some reason. I didn’t even think of it until last night when I decided to look it up and realize that some of the brain damage is permanent.
I haven’t worked in 2 years, and now I’m starting to panic a little. Will I have to work in bars forever? Is there any chance of me having a career I actually like? Can I teach myself how to do better in school? Is there a point in even going to school? Should I just give up?
If anyone has any insight or if you’ve accomplished big things in sobriety, a gal would REALLY love to hear about it right now. Thank uuu