I am disgusted by myself
I hate how much I allow this to weigh on me. I cannot appreciate my achievements, or my art, I cannot study, I can no longer allow myself to do things that normal, pretty women do, because I do not feel like I deserve it. I spend my days rotting in bed, crying. I have exams all month and it feels like my own personal hell that has been carved out for me, where being on the verge of suicide every day does not mean I don't have to also cram years worth of content into my brain, and everyone is rooting for me, because I am the smart one. Never the pretty one. If I don't have my academics, what even am I? A skinwalker cosplaying as a woman.
Even at a low weight now, back in the slump of my ed, my face is still hideous. Something, somewhere, went wrong. I have dedicated hours and days to researching hair, workouts, lip filler, going down rabbit holes of recessed jaws and surgery to correct my horrific smile and bite, of blaming myself for not breathing right or not sleeping right or not eating right or doing whatever fuckass thing I did to make myself turn out this way. I pity people who have to look at me and not laugh.
And I hate beautiful women. I know that is cruel to say and completely unreasonable, but I hate them. I hate that they don't lock themselves in a room after every photograph. They giggle and compliment each other, and then they turn and compliment me too, but with a different tone, and a different giggle, and everyone knows they're lying, and no one says anything. They look so perfect in the group, hugging each other, and then at the end of the line there's me, stupid me thinking I looked okay that day, in my stupid fucking dress that I thought was so pretty, and I genuinely want to be sick. I feel nauseous with jealousy, and I cry and cry and cry and then panic about whether breathing through my mouth when I'm crying is worsening my face. I am obsessed and I am exhausted. I am guilty for even caring as much as I do, but I want to be beautiful. Why couldn't I be beautiful? Why? What did I do wrong?