I Guess It Just Feels Unfair
I suppose my newest hurdle is the idea that all of this, what comes with relationships, love, sex, firsts, all of it is ineffable to me. There’s no real way to explain it. Practice vs theory, after all. But to her, she already knows all of it. She could describe her first kiss, sex, etc.
The world sells you the “magical“ shared first time. The books, movies, animes and tv shows. But what about those who won’t get that? That won’t get the fantasy they watched? That its not new & new on both ends, it’s now new to it period vs new person?
I don’t necessarily even care about the ex’s as a person, I actually know nothing about them aside from the fact she doesn’t like them anymore (as in actively dislikes), for valid reasons. But it’s just the idea that I’ll never get that. I’ll never get that feeling, that feeling that’s so glamorized. A good way to put it is a quote I read “I wonder how intimate it was”.
Maybe it isn’t even good, at least having the privilege to decide if it was for myself is what I harp on.
consider this a journal-like entry, since I’m too lazy to write this in my actual journal and it’s 4 am.