u/k_vice

I've been editing a documentary for over a year. I have difficulty finishing things—I tend towards ideas because of their speed, materialization can weigh on me—but the stakes are kind of high personally...this will be my first artwork in 3 years, the first thing I am broadcasting out into the universe after a long break brought on by a healing journey, and it's my return to both a process and a subject matter I hold dear to my heart. I've made a lot of sacrifices in terms of time money energy, have poured so much into it already. I had decided the film is done in March aside from sound, which can change a lot, and have been working on getting it to the colorist, sound mixer, etc. But after recently seeing some excellent video works from friends I admire, and having conversations with them (not directly about my work, but about art in general), I am not so sure. Am I just fed up with it? Instead of it actually being done/worth showing? I rewatched the doc with refreshed eyes last night, and while I see potential, I also see restraint, maybe some fake cheerfulness, room for there to be more layering, complexity, tension, emotion, guts. I've spent so long, and been so disciplined, about creating this careful structure, but it might not be enough. I'm worried about having rushed into "getting it out there" before it's ready, but I am also so over the little bubble I've created that has allowed me to get as far in the process as I have, and am feeling trapped, slow, anxious about whether I have what it takes to get it to a worthy place, if I have anything left to give that will make it transcendent. So I asked the cards in a general way about my film, throwing a bunch of related questions at it to create a question soup anchored by the large question of the film. I often do situation/advice/outcome in three card readings (I also always read the base cards, which you see below the main pull), or if yes/situation/if no, past/present/future, but I just wanted an overall picture (I love using tarot to create a scene, like a painting, that can be interpreted in a similar fashion) so didn't determine anything like card position meaning in advance.

1. 2 of Disks over Ace of Disks

I've been getting the two of disks in relation to changing fertility, so I know it can mean darkening, loss, not gain, but I'm tempted to see it here as "you had a starting point, you've twisted your material into this other shape [into a binaristic shape? I hope not], you've made two from 0," especially with the ace underneath suggesting a movement forward, 1 to 2. It's still wholeness but in these separated, artificially opposed pockets. I have made something from that with which I began...but these are low numbers too, early on in a journey of some kind.

2. 10 of Cups (satiety) over Queen of Cups

Some context that the Thoth Queen of Cups has haunted me for some time. I don't have any main astrological placements that tie me to her, but I've been grappling with her as a kind of significator as I've been grappling with sharing trauma, from before I knew there was something I needed to share, to now (she may have helped me figure that out, amongst other things like therapy and friends). I associate her with emotional repression. 10 of cups saying I you are done being placid, done with nice facade that covers your invisible true feelings. Exhaustion generally (which is so so true), out of the sauce, the water, the juice. Obviously I have a fear that that means I don't have the flow at all in my calling, but hopefully it's more specific to this moment/piece, that I'm done with that version of me/the film, that I don't have the energy left to create that perfect picture (taken two ways)...and maybe I shouldn't. There's nothing flowing but light down from the dry cups to feed her waters.

3. The Tower over the Priestess

I'm tempted to read this as advice but it could be something else, the passive why. There's also a clear mirroring happening between 2 and 3. Maybe fucking it up, painting with bold brushstrokes over what I've created, not being too precious about keeping it will lead to a progression that seems minor, barely perceptible to the distracted, unfocused eye (red on top, blue on bottom) but is in fact major, moving from tired, repressed princess, to a higher power, a higher register, a powerfully destructive, mysterious but all-knowing non-gendered goddess. I see the eye in the tower as a kind of editor's eye, looking at what's been built and tearing it down, but not for nothing—rather to reveal deep inner knowledge. The fire isn't just directed at the tower, it's directed at the satiety, the tower of cups to left of the tower. Fuck my complacency, knock it over. Maybe I'm being too optimistic in the face of the violence of the tower, but I'm reading it as that I don't have to destroy everything I've built—it's just introducing more chaos, the rage I and the world feels, etc. into what's already there.

So my question for anyone who takes the time to view this is if you think I'm right in my kind of softer interpretation of the appearance of the tower card, or if I I'm being delusional and I will have to tear it all down. I'm also wondering about the necessity of a break in all this. 10 of cups is suggesting I'm at my wits' end, but the suddenness of the tower next to it is kind of making me feel like it's a shift, it's a breaking point, not an invitation to set it aside for a while but to be active in tearing at it. Thank you to anyone who responds!