my dad telling me i need to wear long clothes honestly just makes me want to rip this forced hijab off even more. i can’t explain the feeling it gives me. it genuinely disgusts me and makes me emotional. why is he even talking???
so i got this app to talk about my situation and to see others perspectives on it.
im 20years (turning 21 in a month) and i wear the hijab (forced) since i was 13. at that time i wast practicing “religion” or praying. i did had to go to Mosque every Saturday to learn the Quran and Arabic. this all happened in summer time. my niece (who already wore the hijab) was about to transfer schools and come in my class after summer break. during that summer we were very close and hang out a lot. so every time i saw her, i would see her father, my uncle. and since it was clear that she would come to my class he would say that i need to wear the hijab once she joins me. at first i was like no?? but every single time i would see him he would say it more aggressively and it made me very uncomfortable. this would go on the WHOLE summer.
fast forward to the night before school started: i did not sleep that night. i did not deserve to feel the way i did back then. all that kept me awake was “what is he going to do or say if he sees me without hijab”. i was young and scared of what people would do or say to me if i didn’t put it on. my relationship with my sister wasn’t really great so all she said was that it was my choice and i shouldn’t listen to him. and there was i, a 13year old, who didn’t practice the religion, in a hijab on the first day of school.
at school i was well known as a crazy girl. i was very social and extroverted. but since the day i put the hijab on, everything in me changed. i became depressed and all i was thinking about was death. there was no joy left in me and at that time i didn’t think it was because of the hijab. i was young and come on, what do u expect from someone with no to little life experience. i’ve lived with my depression (still am but doing better) for a long time. i wrote every feeling down, i didn’t want to do anything other than rotting in bed. lets keep going.
as years went by i started to find myself and religion. i realised that the problem was never just the hijab itself. It was the way I was pushed into it. I never truly chose it for myself. Every time I put it on, it reminded me of fear, pressure and the feeling that I had no control over my own life. Instead of bringing me closer to religion, it made me feel disconnected from myself and from everything around me. I tried forcing myself to love it because I thought I had to, but deep down it only made me feel trapped.
October 2025 i was about to take it off. i almost told my whole family on my mother’s side that i would. the reactions i’ve had weren’t as bad as my mother’s and sister. “u showed me that u worship shaitan instead of God” “ur uncle did a great job, i don’t see nothing wrong with it” “i wont see u as my sister if u take it off” “ur ruining our family name” etc. obviously these words get to my cuz these are my closest people to me? why are they like this? on the day i wanted to take it off, they manipulated me into keep wearing it. also, because i was done with all the comments and just dragging down words, i kept it on. i still hate myself for keeping it on. i just had to do it right there and then.
even after all these months, i still feel the same. im deconstructing religion right now and trying to relearn islam based on what God actually gave us instead of cultural or man made rules. i’ve been thinking about taking my hijab off again, but this time without warning anyone. they’ll just see me without it one day. i can’t lie and say im not scared of what my family will say, especially my sister because her words really stayed with me. but at the same time, i dont feel guilty for wanting to take it off. my relationship with God still matters deeply to me and i still pray, communicate with Him and try to keep that connection strong.
I don’t know exactly what will happen next, but I know I deserve to make this choice with peace instead of fear. BUT HOWWW, im constantly overthinking about what my closest family would say or do