u/izar95

If you are reading this at 3:00 AM in the dark, exhausted, thinking your toddler’s sleep habits are completely unfixable, this post is for you.

The Background (Our Nightmare):
We live in Scotland and are from Pakistan(Culturally anything but cosleeping till 4-5 years old is a no no). My daughter is 30 months old. She sleeps on a Euro Queen(Huge) floor mattress. Since birth, she has had severe sleep associations: nursing, co-sleeping, and requiring a literal full-body hug from a parent to fall asleep.
She dropped her nap at 16 months, meaning she went to bed running on pure adrenaline. We had hourly wake-ups, 2-3 hour "split night" parties in the middle of the night, and she had maybe slept through the night 4 or 5 times in her entire life.

To make things harder, we have 6-month-old twins. My wife had to tap out of toddler bedtimes completely 7 months ago. With my wife tried, my daughter would grab my wife’s leg and writhe for 1.5 to 2 hours until she passed out from exhaustion. (She started this leg-hugging behaviour around 12 months, so it wasn't even twin-pregnancy related—it was just an ingrained, stressful habit). Because of this, I had been doing 100% of the toddler bedtimes, even before going to work night shifts. The one thing I did immediately was to set boundary of not going any where near the leg. We could just snuggle up with a hug.

The shift from mum to dad for sleep was horrible in itself that spanned over atleast 2 months with hour long crying spells. Mum would feel bad and come to soothe her and this continued until we figured out that mum coming in wasn't probably the best thing that helped. We started giving her iron drops which we think helped but objectively looking back might not have as much as we thought. We still give it to her daily. Pacifier was a thing we got rid of a month ago that was easy told her it was a baby thing and she was a big girl she took the pacifier out of her mouth and literally threw it off the bed and didn't want it again(except maybe once).

Prior to starting sleep training our night routine was to go to her room around 7.30pm-8.00pm. Sit on the loo before going to the room(She is somewhere in the middle in terms of potty training and we haven't started to potty train her officially). She drinks milk in her bed I change her clothes put her night diapers on. Then we read two story books(2 is the rule) then we lay in bed and I sing her songs while she is snuggled up with me and she goes to sleep in 5-10 mins around 8pm to 8.30pm (I thought this was the best result possible given the horrible prolonged transition from mum to me). She would then usually wake up at 11pm I would give her water from bottle she would drink and plop back to sleep. Then she would wake up at 1am and this could last anywhere between 2mins to 2 hours and there was no predicting which one it was going to be(this is why we started the iron). Then she would wake up at after 5am and this would be a few minutes to half an hour. She would then wake up anytime between 6am and 8am and I would usually hold her off till 7.30am and then she would rush to mum and the twins(who she adores) and everyone would wakeup.

The Hesitation:
I had researched sleep training endlessly. I read all the online articles, videos and all the blogs. But I was totally put off because I convinced myself she was "too far gone" and "too old" for it to work. I thought her habits were permanent.

The turning point for us was an NHS Sleep Consultant. To be honest, she didn't give me any magical new information that I hadn't already Googled. But what she did do was look at our situation and make me believe it was totally doable. She gave me the confidence to actually execute the plan.

The Method: Gradual Withdrawal (Camping Out)
Because she was on a floor bed and older we did Gradual Withdrawal.

• Days 1-3: I sat on the floor right beside her mattress.
• Days 4-6: I sat 2 feet away against the wardrobe.
• Day 7: I sat in the room with my back against the door.
• Day 8: I sat in the hallway outside the door.

The Playbook (What actually worked):
Toddlers are incredibly smart and will test every boundary. Here are the rules I had to live by to make this work:

• The "Silent Robot" Return: Because she is on a floor bed, she can get up. When she did, I would intercept her, take her hand, walk her to the mattress, and drop her off. Zero words. Zero eye contact. Zero hugs. I stripped all the dopamine and attention out of the night wakings. It made getting up incredibly boring for her. But trust me there was crying and screaming involved.
• Becoming a Statue: When I sat in my spot, would put my phone on minimum brightness, hide the phone out of her sight(behind a stuffie or pillow) put earbuds in and start watching big bang theory( watched almost a season during sleep training) to her my eyes appeared closed and looked as if I was a statue. I would also d0 slow, heavy breathing which she could hear. She tried everything to get me to engage—she poked my elbow with her toes, threw her teddy at me, asked for "help with a mouse," and even got out of bed just to kiss me. I stayed a stone-cold statue. If you react, it becomes a game.
• "The Pause": I have moved back to our(wife and myself with twins in a bedside cot) room since sleep training started. As soon as she would go to sleep(wait 10-15mins for deep sleep) I would get up and go to our room. If she woke up crying in the middle of the night, I watched the baby monitor for 3-5 minutes before going in. 90% of the time, she was just between sleep cycles, and if I had rushed in, I would have woken her up fully. Give them a few minutes to figure it out.
• Closing the Loopholes: She tried every stalling tactic. She demanded I pour water into her mouth (I put a non-spill bottle directly on her bed and told her she’s the boss of her water). She started scratching her nappy to cause leaks so I'd have to change her (I put scratch sleeves on her so she couldn't reach it). Anticipate their tricks and block them.
• AI: Yes AI, I would be on the phone with AI(I used Gemini) telling it of each and every thing that was happening during the sleep, every wakeup detail and every timestamp of the details. The main thing that did was keep me hopeful and not let my weak dad heart takeover and become soft. One night I even recorded my daughters voice while crying because Gemini was telling me to be a robot and even then it told me look her breathing has pauses you aren't a monster and this is a normal reaction and she is expressing her frustration and anger to the change. (This post is mainly AI giving me a summary to post and me adding stuff in 😂)

The Timeline:

• Night 1: I stopped telling her to "go to sleep" and just told her to "rest her body/make your body soft." With the pressure off, she crashed in 5 minutes.
• Night 2: Something similar maybe a little longer dropped her 11am wakeup and woke up at 1am came crying to our room silent return, gave her water to drink and on the bed, me back at my big bang theory watching position. She cried and thrashed around for a bit and I enjoyed my episode. She went back to sleep and then woke up in the morning at 7.30am and I was like wow this is working.
• Night 3 (The Extinction Burst): She went to bed relatively easily but then woke up around 2am this was a longer more intense protest crying, trying to talk to me, throwing her teddy at me and laughing, trying to make getting off the mattress a game where I would react to get her back on it. It was always met with a silent robotic zero voice response of putting her in bed and going back. This lasted for a good hour to hour and a half but eventually she went to sleep and then woke up at 8am I think.
• Night 4: I moved from my beside mattress spot to the wardrobe on the wall beside the mattress. I told her during the sleep routine that I'd be moving tonight. Night went well one waking lasting 20-30 mins then sleep.
• Night 5: I made a mistake. Normally she sits up in bed for a few minutes then cries which wakes me up through the babycam and as soon as her feet touch the ground I go and do the silent intercept back to my big bang theory position. But this night she just suddenly woke up and bolted crying to our room. Seeing her this way I hugged and kissed her and boy did I pay for it. She was up for about 3 hours 1/3 of which was crying(ranging from hysterical to soft cries), (1/3 was trying to talk to me and be funny- I had to hold my laughs a few times she was using cuteness as a weapon and the rest was tossing and turning in bed). She even said I am not a big girl dad(we tell her she is a big girl when teaching her things like sleep training, pacifier abandoning etc) a few time and that just made my heart melt but still didn't engage(Talk about emotional manipulation). I thought I had broken what was being built but AI helped with the support here and making me see that failure is a part of the game. She even refused to drink water herself making her arms go limp when I bought her near the bottle and opening her mouth if I went near the bottle asking me to give her water. I just put her back on the bed without water telling her that its there if she wants to drink it.
• Night 6: Was better a simple wakeup at 5am (yeah she slept from 8pm till 5am 9hours I was like how is this even possible).
• Night 7: I moved from the wardrobe to the door(inside of the room)and sat against it. Told her during the sleep routine that I was going to change position. She handled it really well only one wakeup at 5.30am went back to sleep in 5 mins after I did the silent return when she got off the mattress. She woke up at 9am. The door in her room is recessed so she couldn't see me even though I was in the room and since it went so well Gemini told me to go to the outside of the door tomorrow instead of waiting the full 3 days. I was sceptical but did it anyway.
• Night 8 (The Breakthrough): I moved to the hallway. Again told her during her dinner and sleep routine that I would be moving outside. Going to sleep she cried for 5 mins asking for mum then the cries became shorter and silence was longer. 4 mins later she was a sleep. She woke up at 10pm(unusual) came crying I did the silent return. Cried for 3 more minutes then was asleep at the 5 min mark. Then the biggest thing I couldnt have even imagined a week ago, I watched her on the monitor wake up at 11:30 PM. She sat up for a minute then crawled down the mattress, drank her own water, laid on the floor for 20 seconds, realized it was uncomfortable, climbed back into bed, pulled her own blanket up, and went back to sleep all in 5 minutes with no one else in the room. I am literally crying watching the monitor. I underestimated my toddler so much and thought I was going to be sleeping with her for the next 2-3 years and the twins would be the same. Me and my wife would be sleep deprived for the next 3-4 years. But she proved me wrong in the most beautiful was she could. That's why I am sat up at 1am filled with pure joy writing this post as its prime time for parents of poor sleeping toddlers to be up at.
• This is as far as I have gotten, It might be a week or two before it becomes routine and there might be hiccups on the way but I feel me, my wife and daughter have all won. She has learnt to sleep independently, who would have thought with the 2.5 years of sleep related trauma we went through-definitely not me a week ago.
• We did give her loads of encouragement about her doing so well at sleep during the day. I would talk to my wife about how good our daughter was sleeping when the toddler was within hearing distance.
• Wish me luck as the twins are next and then hopefully in a few months most of our night are just going to be my wife and me in bed not worrying about kids waking up after 2 and a half longgggggggggg years.

The Takeaway:
If you think your toddler is too old, or your co-sleeping association is too deep, there is hope. I thought the exact same thing.

The first few days are brutal. You have to fight your dad/mom instincts to cuddle them when they cry. But you aren't abandoning them; you are sitting right there, teaching them a life skill. Our daughter went from hourly wakeups to sleeping 5-6 hour solid chunks, self-soothing, and letting us actually sleep. Yours might surprise you too. Its about having more will power than your toddler which can seem impossible at times.

It is not too late. Make a plan, be a boring brick wall, and hold the line. You can do this.

TL;DR: 30-month-old floor-bed toddler with severe co-sleeping/hug associations and 6mo twins in the house. Used Gradual Withdrawal (Camping Out), Silent Returns, and AI support to keep my sanity. In 8 days, went from hourly night wakings to her independently getting her own water and tucking herself back into bed. It's never too late!