Im done with this torture
Im done
Im done with whatever this is, im done with doctor jumping, im done with this torture everyday.
I have no peace or silence anymore just symptoms.
I look like a cancer patient. I have spider veins almost all over my body and when I show these changes to doctors they diagnose me with body dysmorphia or somatic disorder. Im a experiment, a mutant.
It’s good that I live in a country where assited suicide is legal and I get my psych evaluation rn for this but im also scared of death for sure but it feels like I just run away from it.
I don’t want to see myself getting worse and worse I can’t even look in the mirror anymore.
I think some of us get better and others worse it seems and im not winning.
Darkness is crawling up on me my mood changed so much i literally lost my ability to stay calm, before i end up in a ward for the rest of my life im gone.
Sometimes i just pace up and down like an trapped animal. Lately i walked to the graveyard where my dad is buried (suicide) and i just screamed to god and him.
I have the same destiny now just assisted.
I hope I can be forgiven.
Love,
Phil.