Feeling terrible guilt that we made the decision too soon
We put my dog of 12 years to sleep yesterday. He was my best friend, and he had been with me since I was in college. I trained him from a puppy, and he was with my through so many changes.. so many moves, job changes, etc. All the big moments in my life, he was there for me.
He was a German Shepherd and everyone always commented on how great he looked for his age. His labs were pristine and his organs were in great condition.
Over the last 2 years, he has been slowing down. When I first noticed it, I took him to the vet. He had a MRI and was diagnosed with lumbosacral stenosis and IVDD. However, it was overshadowed by the cancer he was diagnosed with at the time. He was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer- anal sac adenocarcinoma. He had the mass removed and had 6 rounds of chemo. He followed up every 3 months for over a year at the vet with ultrasounds, X rays, labs etc. He was cancer free and healthy. However, his back issues were not the main concern during this time. We did take him to acupuncture and physical therapy, when we could, however. We recently moved across the country and have been unable to get him into physical therapy or acupuncture here.
Over the last few months, he started to decline more. He seemed very happy still, but he was not a cuddly dog by nature and got most of his joy in life from walks and food. We couldn't really take him on walks much anymore, because he was scraping his back paws/claws. He was falling as well if he got too excited. For a while, we had used a wheelchair, but I think he must have had some arthritis in his front shoulders too, so I didn't want to put him in pain by shifting weight onto his front end. He looked so sad when we would take my other dog on walks and leave him behind, but I couldn't bear to see him struggling and hear his back paws scraping so much. He had scraped down his back claws basically to nothing since he has been having weakness back there for so long.
Yesterday, he seemed worse. He was scraping his back paws pretty bad to the point of knuckling them, lost his balance a few times, etc. He was very wobbly and was tripping a bunch when I let him out to go to the bathroom. He seemed to have some difficulty getting up but was still able to.
We have discussed for a while wanting to let him pass with dignity and not letting him get to the point where he couldn't walk or was in his own urine/feces. I just felt like I could not do that to him. I loved him so much and was so terrified of having his final moments be scary or bad. I feel like we made a pretty quick decision to put him to sleep yesterday though.
I fed him a bunch of human food (including ordering him a steak from a nice restaurant), fed him a 3 big bones, took him on one last trip for a pup cup, and I let him walk me around the block until he didn't want to walk anymore. Usually he would want to walk forever, even if he was struggling. But he seemed to know that it was "enough" and that he couldn't really get around the block well. The vet came to our house to euthanize him, and we let him go in our backyard.
I am struggling big time, because he was so happy yesterday. At one point, he even tried to do a little run over to me for a bone.
I feel like I betrayed him. I am beating myself up because I feel like I should have asked about surgery for his back 2 years ago. Or I should have done more to keep it from getting to this point. I wish I had taken him back to the vet to see if he could try a different medication or pushed harder to try to get him into physical therapy here. I just feel like I gave up on him and that I didn't try hard enough and just made a snap decision to let him go. Since he was so happy, maybe it was just a bad day and tomorrow would have been a good day for him again, and I just chose too soon.
I read all this stuff online where people say they made the decision when their dog wouldn't eat or drink or truly couldn't walk, and it makes me feel so guilty that I basically killed my happy dog and my best friend.
I am devastated. I cannot look at his bed. I don't want to get out of bed. I am just crying and completely heartbroken. I just kept crying and telling him I was sorry after he was gone. I almost wanted to stop the vet in the middle of the appointment. I have all of these pictures of him from yesterday before the appointment smiling so big, looking so happy and like he was having the time of his life. I just hate myself now for not doing everything to see if he would get better first. This was the first pet I have had to make this decision for, and I was so scared of doing it too late that I think I did it too soon, and I can never forgive myself.