Feeling so insecure about my partner cheating, but the trust is there.
Okay so I (22) and have spent the last 4 years really focused on my mental health during grieving the traumatic loss of my mother and abandonment issues. My fiancé (24) and I have been together just about 8 years. Of course the first few years were slightly dramatic being literal children in high school! I used to never believe in high school sweet hearts but here I am with the most amazing man ever. He was such a huge support system for me and kept me going throughout my mental health journey. He has always been by my side making me laugh and telling me how beautiful I am since day one.
So here’s the part that I hope people can relate or give any advice. I tend to have 1 or 2 severe days during the hell weeks of extreme paranoia thinking he’s going to cheat. Which is absolutely not ever going to happen, we are so happy. We have always had an amazing sex life, we have worked really hard to learn each others communication styles and the healthiest ways to talk, very actively going on adventures, do art and activities all the time. We don’t argue much besides the occasional silly bickering but honest to god I couldn’t feel more supported and loved and I know he feels the same way, even at this moment well I tell him about my redditing🤣. We know each other inside and out, there’s quite literally not a thing we wouldn’t do around each other. I communicate this feeling with him and there’s never in secrecy between us, I am very self aware of who I am verses what the symptoms feed me. About every 6 months I have a major PMDD crash I’d say, almost psychotic break, I will see red for a day and spiral and consistently reach out to the hotline (988), knowing I’d never do that but I crave it like candy when this hell week arrives, that happens exactly ever 6 months oddly enough. He has always been great at giving me space and time and hugging me and helping me breathe. But I also know it’s not his responsibility and I don’t want him feeling like he needs to be a caretaker. Long story short. This morning he took the day off beings his birthday was yesterday and he wanted to have a 4/20 day together. He had to run some stuff to his boss, he asked me if I wanted to go with him (his boss is basically family). I struggle to sleep during this time and have extreme nightmares so I wanted to sleep in since I couldn’t sleep during the night very well.
I woke up and checked his maps to see if he was almost home (I always check all my families location because of a bit of trauma) I then called him because he was about 30 minutes away, he said he was leaving Lyle, (where his boss lives) but he was in bingen when I checked (which is 10 minutes away) like no big deal it’s early in the morning. He was his normal self and happy to talk and came home happy. It takes like 45 minutes from our house to his boss so the total is about 1 1/2 hr.
I know he didn’t do anything and find my friends app lowkey buggin all the time, like it’s said I was somewhere a few miles away from where I actually was before. But just because I’m having one of these intense days I can’t stop the little intrusive thoughts of what if.
Mind you this man is a very loyal, loving man, we spend a majority of our time together and he’s always made it so clear how obsessed he is with me and my body and showed me an incredible amount of love and support. I mean he knows me to the core. I know in my gut, heart and everything else he wouldn’t ever do anything because he is happy, we are getting married, he proposed to me on my girls trip plus him. We have a great drama free life and are enjoying planning a little micro wedding. It’s so unfair to him to have to be around me when I’m like this because I feel like I had no control of my emotions. I’ll try and hold it in all day and then explode. I told him how I feel and what my brain is feeding me and he said something along the lines of “babe, I wanted you to come with me, if you want I could call martin(his boss) and he can tell us what time I left” of course I’m like oh god no that’s like ridiculous. I trust you and I know we have everything we need and more with each other. But how tf do I shake the intrusive constant thoughts of I’m not enough and he is finding better somewhere else. It just sucks to be in a self ware state but not able to control anything. Just a wtf to this disease sometimes. If anyone has any coping skills that have helped them with similar things I’d so appreciate it. Or even just someone to relate to, this is such an isolating feeling! I hope everyone has a good day today and we are all being kind to ourselves. Thank you for being here💕