Financial Control Used as Way to Keep Relationship
I have come to view my uncle as a narcissist. He has exhibited numerous traits. The most prevalent being becoming enraged and passing the blame through name-calling and belittling when given the slightest critique or inference of mistake. He has raged at everyone who has ever been close to him.
He was raised by a physically abusive father and an undiagnosed narcissistic mother. He has a history of physically abusing his little brother and older sister (my mom).
As the GC, he is now the trustee of his siblings' estates.
I live with my uBPD mother (80). She is in poor health mentally and physically. While I work part-time, we are dependent upon funds from the trust controlled by my N uncle.
Things are not set up in a sustainable way. When my grandmother died 9 years ago, we asked for copies of all of the trust documents. We still haven't received them. We asked for an accounting of all of the funds, how much, where the money is held, etc.
I ended up flying up to his home to try and get these things from him in person. When I told him we wanted this information - which we are entitled to by law and which he is bound by law to provide the beneficiaries - he bolted out of his chair and growled at me that the very fact we were asking him for this information meant that we didn't trust him. He stormed in and out of the room. We have never received this information.
We have asked for him to give us an annual or monthly budget so we can know what to expect and plan accordingly. The first time we asked, he said that was too difficult to figure out. We asked again most recently - omg! I'm just realizing it's been 2 years! - and still nothing.
We are told to just call him whether we need money. Then he complains that all we ever do is talk about money with him. There is no stability in this, especially since there have been times when it has taken him months to send money to us.
My mother would like to cut ties. My other uncle avoids conflict at all costs. Mom and I have talked about getting a lawyer to help us navigate/negotiate with my N uncle, but we are afraid of his rage and his resources. He has money and legal connections at his disposal.
We are afraid he will fight us, and we'll lose any money my mom has a right to to legal fees. We're afraid of the emotional fallout for other family members.
I'm very tired of negotiating this relationship.