Tired but wanting to live
Im so done with the pain, I keep pushing and trying to find small moments of joy because at this point I’m basically homebound and can’t do much, but it always comes back. So here’s the thing, what’s the point of it if it’s always going to happen again.
I’m tired of doctors and people dismissing me, I’ve done so many tests and everything is always fine so why can’t I feel fine. If nothing is wrong or need fixing why don’t I feel fine, why do I feel like I’m rotting away.
I’ve been able to manage a somehow okayish state of pain by keeping myself very constipated. It sounds crazy but the pain is manageable when I’m constipated but as soon as the stools gets softer (not even diarrhea, just a bit softer and the endless wiping type) I get this terrible pain. And the problem is, it always comes back because I can’t like keep myself backed up forever either.
I’m just done, I want to enjoy life and be happy but I feel doomed.