tips for someone who keeps relapsing?
hello! this got a bit long, my apologies. i’ve been dating this wonderful person for about five months, but before that, we had a kind of rough start.
we found out we were into each other way before we started dating, but for my partner, they liked me more in a friends-with-benefits kind of way. we just kept hooking up and i kept getting more attached until i couldn’t take it anymore, and i asked them to be my partner. they said no at first, and even though i was heartbroken, i stuck around because i was too attached. i was miserable. i didn’t know it, but at that point, my partner was still reeling from some emotional traumas from some past relationships, and wasn’t ready to commit to anything yet. at the time, they didn’t see me as a legit partner—just a hookup. so they’d tell me all these things about past flings, especially sexual ones, and it made me feel so fucking small. they’d openly compare me to other people they had sex with while we were in bed. they’d talk about how heart broken they were that them and their last partner had to break up, how it was proof that nothing lasts forever. they never seemed to put me first, and i was falling apart.
it was only after i decided to end things with them that they realized that they were fumbling big time. after avoiding them for a while, they eventually convinced me to have a talk, and we worked things out. they explained why they had been so distant, and i understood. over time i forgave them, and it was easy because they worked really hard to fix the ways they had mistreated me before (they no longer ignored me, i was treated like a priority, talk of past partners stopped, etc.). i know at this point i haven’t said much to convince you that they are a good partner to me now, but they are seriously one of the most loving, sweet and attentive people i know. it’s a total 180 from the person i hooked up with all those months ago.
but the fact is, they still told me those things. i still know too much about their exes. i don’t even want to know their names, but here i am, stuck with all these details about my partner and their past. i know i can’t change the fact that my partner has a romantic/sexual history—i don’t want to change that, it doesn’t make sense to want that. i have a history, too. but i wish more than anything i could let go of the things they told me back then. the rumination is eating me alive. during classes, during work, when i’m home alone, etc., my brain will wander back to thoughts about my partners exes, and it’ll fester and fester until i feel physically ill. it was worse when we first started dating, so maybe time will help cure me. but when i do get flare ups now, they seem to hit a lot harder.
yesterday i hit a bit of a low. i cried three times over something i can’t change. i couldn’t even look my partner in the eye. i spent most of the day avoiding them, and failing to focus on my tasks for the day. i just can’t seem to let the RJ i feel go, but i really, really want to. i want to be a better partner for them; i want to be stronger and more available. they’ve told me that of the people they’ve dated i mean more to them than anyone else, and that they want a future with me. but the vicious cycle of thinking is killing me. how do i let go? how do i make myself forget?