I found out today I've been disassociating for so long it felt normal - has anyone else realised that you've built mental walls that shaped your day to day experience?
Hi all,
Today I discovered I've been disassociating from myself for nearly the last three decades. It's both shaken me to my core and made a lot of things make sense. (I've always struggled that maybe I don't have as strong dysphoria as others, it's there but very muted, turned out ive just become very effective at minimising it).
I was talking to my therapist and they asked me a seemingly innocuous question (I should note this is therapy based on anxiety and shame, I haven't told them I'm Erin yet, I'm not brave enoigh).
"When you imagine yourself in 30 years what do you see".
I naturally described what I thought was perfectly normal - my wife happy, my kids happy - my family cared and loved for and happy. To which they asked where I was and I pointed out I was watching them and experiencing it with them.
Apparently, this is not a normal answer. Apparently most people first describe themselves, what they're doing and can very easily see themselves in their future (and their past). I was so shaken by this we spent the next 10 minutes clarifying exactly what this meant, how others experience it and how I experienced it.
I guess I wanted to share this here - incase others reading it wonder if they don't have dysphoria and disassociation and actually might realise that they've just been living it for so long they didn't realise it wasn't normal.
Was there anything anyone else found about themselves that shocked them as much as this shocked me? I think so often we focus on the more extrinsic characteristics of this that we don't so often analyse our intrinsic nature - what mental walls we've erected and what actually is objectively not normal.
P.s. I should note that this disassociation can be caused by other factors (in my instance they definitely played a part). Ironically it's also a huge part of what makes me very good at my job.
P.p.s I know I should tell him I'm Erin, but we're doing valuable work, I get the counselling through my mental health insurance and I don't particularly want to change therapists to another speciality right now