u/elitebateagent

Who the FUCK is the guy in the cowboy hat

I mean, what happened? It's like a switch flipped in my head two months ago, and it feels like I only want do energy drinks in the morning now. My poor pour-over carafe is neglected over seemingly nothing.

Did I seriously get burned out on COFFEE?

Hi Sally.

That's not your name, but close enough.

I already sent you letters, but I shouldn't have. If you knew even a fraction of what I felt the week after we quit talking, you might understand why I felt the need to reach out, but that still doesn't excuse it.

Part of my brain refuses to believe our conversation truly happened. Did this amazing woman really reach out to me, or did I imagine it? I've spent the last two months coming to grips with what happened, and what I chose to do.

An interesting thing about antidepressant medication is that an acute increase can trigger hypomania in people with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Many thanks to Mom for that gift. When you reached out to me, I had just doubled my Prozac. For the whole week we spoke, I thought you had cured my depression. Now I recognize the signs of mania and regret not seeking help sooner.

I shouldn't have gotten carried away, but I was in a very neurochemically vulnerable place and did not have the emotional tools on hand to think clearly. If you had reached out at any other time, maybe I wouldn't have nearly lost my mind.

But mania isn't an excuse or a shield. It didn't make me almost crash the car of my life. It just provided an alluring, beautiful detour to take. I was still at the wheel. And I had just been telling myself how bad a driver I was for months.

Sally—it wasn't your fault, but talking to you fucked me up. I've spent a long time thinking about my feelings for you, and their implications. I've been confused ever since then, which feels karmic given how far I led you astray. I still don't know how to feel or what I should do.

What I know is I'll spend a very long time feeling miserable for how I treated you.

There's an alternate timeline where I never lied to you and we stayed friends. I think of that timeline a lot.

There's another timeline where I *did* meet you at the right time, and life worked its magic and brought us together. I try not to think of that timeline. It's devastating.

We didn't know each other that long, but I still cared deeply about you. I still do, in some small way. And I'm trying with therapy not to anymore.

I'm sorry I was another unforgivable man in your life. I'm making sure that never happens again.

And I hope that your life is incredible. I'll keep working on my own.

Regretfully,

CB

P.S.: 🫰