Having a date on tuesday and been having really bad intrusive thoughts (TW- MENTIONS OF VIOLENCE)
So, this girl has been trying to get to talk to me more or ask me out since a year ago and i just noticed. A year ago, she invited me to her birthday party, but i couldn’t go, after that she would text me, reply to my ig stories and notes and stuff like that, flirting but i would not take a step because i didn’t felt the attraction (Not saying she is not a very beautiful and smart woman) at first so whenever she texted me because i would start ruminating about flirting back and then ghosting her and then she would hate me and see me as this ‘manipulative fear of commitment’ girl. So i talked about it to a friend and she said there is the option of going on a date with her, flirting back and stuff and no marriage could happen if i don’t want to (which is obvious but my rumination does not see it that way). So i stopped replying to her until on april she texted me to invite me again to her birthday party.
Anyways, she returned to text me, i now felt more comfortable replying and occasionally flirting back. This night we were texting and she asked me out so i said yes, i would go pick her up then go to a café. But now that rumination returns: i like her but i don’t know if i could maintain a relationship, but going on a date doesn’t mean getting to be girlfriends, i would hate if she ends up hating me and blah blah.
And now as the day comes closer there has been these really bad intrusive thoughts about me k-wording her randomly or even planning it out. Which i know i won’t do but convincing myself over and over again that i will not hurt her is driving me insane.
She seems like such a sweet girl and i don’t want to mess it up or make her hate me. Sooo, any advice is welcome.