Deferment help for poly bc of mental health
TW: su*cide ideation
I don't come on here much but I am genuinely at my wits end. I am a student who has just graduated a particular institution and is moving onto sp in a few days. Except that I really genuinely can't do this anymore.
These past few years have been horrible for me, especially the past few months, because of some events which I don't really want to talk about here, I have constant thoughts of k/ myself, constantly wished I never woke up the next day or that something bad would happen to me. And prior to these events, it didn't help much with the environment I had in school and all the work I had to do.
I just feel like I have been so out of control of my own life for these few years. I have these grand plan of things I want to do in my head once I have time but I always always never have time because of school and during hols, I would be so mentally drained from the semester to even do anything. Everyday for the past 3 years, I have been constantly living for the future. Everything that I do literally. And it's all for the goal of getting into the course that I want in poly but now that I've reached this point, I genuinely just don't feel anything at all and if anything, all I feel is regret. I sacrificed so much of me in exchange for a grade that if I could go back in time and undo all of this, I would probably just dropout in my 1st or 2nd year.
I don't even recognise the person I am now because I have neglected so much of my personal interests and hobbies that I litterally don't even feel like anything at all. And at one point in time, for 5 months straight I would just wake up, eat, sleep, shower, do my work and just repeat because every single term I genuinely just cannot find the time for myself.
And yeah you guys might think it's a time management issue but I really don't think so. I was constantly working with people who didn't put much effort into their work which meant I wld have to cover for their part all the time on top of my own work for diff modules and this was happening almost every term. What i regret most on top of all of this is all the time i had missed out with my parents because I was always too busy with my school work and projects because I had to meet deadlines.
I genuinely need this year to get a grip and think about why I'm even doing all of this. Previously it had been for my parents because I wanted to make them proud frm my studies but like honestly if I were to continue for the next 3 years without having much time for myself and to do the things which I have been planning for the longest time, I really don't think I'm going to make it.
I've written in to sp and asked if deferment was possible despite not having started on the course yet and they responded that it is but provided I had a doctor's letter/memo.
I hadn't seeked help during my lowest moments and breakdowns because I just didn't think anyone would care enough + even if they did, I didn't want to be labelled with like mental illness because it would just make me think about it more and make me feel worse abt myself if that makes sense? I tried explaining how I felt to my teacher once because I had been late on multiple occasions frequently because I cldnt fall asleep the nights b4 frm thinking about things + sometimes because I was covering someone else's part for the proj because they did it half heartedly but all she cared about was just me showing up to class on time and not asking me like how I was mentally. And then proceeded to say that I just had time management issues lol. So honestly I didn't see any use of reaching out whether to her or the counsellor so I just dealt with all these other issues by myself. Hence, I don't really have any record with the school about my mental wellbeing and basically they can't really provide me with a memo for the deferment in poly.
At first I was thinking of gg to the polyclinic but frm my friend's experience as well as other reddit posts I've seen here, they all say that the process was q slow and it wld take weeks until the next apptment.
I also thought of gg to my family gp but I highly doubt that they will give out a memo or letter abt my mental state and that I wld benefit frm a period of rest directly and would just prob intro me to a mental health clinic, psychologist or psychiatrist etc. Hence, I jst wanted to come onto here and ask for recommendations on where I cld seek help and preferably not too expensive although I do understand that private therapy is a bit costly in sg.
I also did contemplate on dropping out if all this doesn't work out but like that wld be the last case scenario I guess. Like I really really am still interested in this course but I just need a break so that I can come back more prepared + also I don't want to have a record when like I reapply next year fr the same course with my gpa, it wld show that I dropped out the year b4 cus like idk mayb it wld make them consider me lesser?
Anyways, if u made it to the end I thank you very much for reading this 🙏