Grief is the worst
I lost my soul dog, April O’Neil, on March 24th a month after celebrating her 11th birthday. She was my whole world. My sweet, beautiful baby girl. My Apsie Boo. I miss her so, so much.
She was fine that weekend. She’d been to the vet a few weeks earlier and was diagnosed with arthritis and put on Galliprant. She was doing well. Then, on Monday, the 23rd, she didn’t want to stand up to go outside in the morning. I was able to coax her with her favorite treat and she seemed just fine. I thought it was just stiffness. My sister forgot to give her the meds in the morning when she fed April before she left for work, so she tried after she got home. She didn’t take it. When I got home, she wasn’t getting up and moving around again. Again, I thought it was just pain in her leg.
We were able to get her to take her meds and gave them a few hours to kick in. Still not really moving too much. When I tried to get her to eat dinner, she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t even take a greenie at that point. So we loaded her in the car and went to the ER.
They ran a few tests and found her HR and BP were both low and her Potassium levels were high. Everything seemed reversible, based on what the vet was saying, so they started treatment, said they were going to run some more tests with the cardiologist in the morning, and sent me home at about 10 or 10:30.
By 12:40 she had stopped breathing/arrested and they called saying they’d been doing CPR for a few minutes and she wasn’t coming back.
I was devastated. I am devastated. She was with me from the time she was 5 months old. My life feels empty without her. Yes, I still have the cat I share with my sister and yes, I still have my sister’s dog in my life every day, but it isn’t the same. April was all MINE. Peaches isn’t. Cheshire isn’t just mine. And neither of them loves me the same way April did.
I’m so, so jealous of my friends who still have their own dogs in their lives. Which is stupid. It’s not their fault. It’s nobody’s fault. It just…happened. And my brain is being really fucking stupid about it.
I know I want another dog soon. I know I can’t live without a dog of my own. But I don’t want April, wherever she is, to feel like I’m replacing her. Besides, I can’t find any dogs that really meet my requirements in my area because I’m stupidly picky (I want a puppy, GSD, BC, or Aussie or some kind of mix of those, preferably female), but I also don’t want to go to a breeder. Unfortunately almost everything in the shelters where I live is some kind of pittie or hound and they’re not for me.
This week started out great, mentally. I had been feeling the best I had since April passed. Then yesterday it all devolved. I found some puppies in Mississippi early in the week that looked so similar to her when she was little, only they were black and white, instead of brown. Found out one of the ones I was looking at was likely adopted already. Also had a dream someone was telling me not to rush into getting another dog and just…lost it. Idk. Spent a good half hour crying at my desk at work because none of the puppies I’ve been seeing are for me and there aren’t many puppies to begin with and I can’t afford a purebred from a breeder and I know my friends would judge because they are all big “Adopt, don’t shop” people.
I just want my girl back. Not just her ashes. That’s what I want at this point. And it is impossible. And it sucks. And I don’t know how to move forward because having my dog was, like, my entire life and I have so much love to give to a puppy but none of the ones I have seen online feel right and with April I saw her on Petfinder and just knew she was the one.
TLDR; I am sad. And lost. And the grief fucking sucks.