Joylessness after 16 years of adderall use help
I am looking for other peoples experiences with healing their brain after years of stimulant use, what worked, what didn't, what had the biggest impact? As the title suggests I have a very hard time feeling any form of happiness. My parents decided to put me on adderall when I was 5 years old, and I took it every day until I was around 21. When I stopped taking it I fell into a tremendous depression that left me sleeping every other day and never leaving the house. At time time I assumed this was related to a recent break up but as the years went on and I can't remember anything about that girl but her name, I am still dealing with day-in and day out misery. I just only ever feel scared or safe. Never optimistic, never happy.
Of course like most people in lieu of happiness I developed distractions like phone 24/7 gaming/sex/etc. I ever ended up having some pretty persistent issues with thrill seeking behavior/passively suicidal actions just to feel something. I also have tremendous anxiety all the time, even when I am sleeping. I understand that joy comes in a bunch of forms and includes socialization, meaning, safety, philosophy etc, but no matter what is happening in my life, or how any of those things feel, I just feeling fucking miserable.
An incomplete list of things I have tried for PTSD/depression and their benefits:
EMDR: I noticed no improvement
ECT: I did not notice any improvement but I do have an issue recalling about a 3 month period of my life
Becoming a therapist: I spent 5 years in school to become a therapist hoping that it would grant me the ancillary benefit of self help. No meaningful improvement in misery.
TMS: I think I noticed a small improvement, hard to say
SGB: I slept 16 hours a day for 2 weeks until the block wore off, no meaningful changes otherwise
Selank: I did not try the NA version but it seemed to make me zero % less miserable and slightly more anxious
Buspar: More anxious same misery
CBT: Helpful, good anxiety coping skills, not much else
Psychotherapy: Somewhat helpful, although more for processing
Yoga: Helpful, grounding. Not really any improvements in joy, optimism, etc
Exercise: Helpful for all counts. Some post work out euphoria, more optimism, better sleep.
Journaling: good for anxiety, zero effect on misery.
GB-115: I did not notice a meaningful reduction in my anxiety, no additional joy
So I am making this thread in the hopes that other people have had experience with dopamine and serotonin production after long periods of continued use of adderall especially in their developmental years, and especially in the hopes that someone has had success improving it.
tl;dr I literally never feel happy, only miserable, scared, or nothing, suspect adderall, what's the move.