u/catsrcoolerthanyou

You were ugly.

It's not true, honestly.

You were one of the most beautiful people I could ever have the hope of talking to.

The way your words left me spinning in circles- My heart twirling in my chest at the high of just getting your attention.

Every single time I talked to you a rush that I couldn't help but dive into.

But you were ugly.

But you weren't.

You were one of the only people I could depend on. You were a lovely soul that held mine close and whispered the words I needed to hear. That told me I was lovely too. That told me it'd be ok. That I was good.

But you were ugly.

You couldn't be!

You were the one that I wanted to spend almost all my time with, the one I needed the approval of. The one I wanted to make happy no matter what. The one I needed in my life like a drug. So you couldn't be.

But you were ugly.

I don't want to see it.

You weren't ugly in appearance.

But your heart twisted around mine like a vine. Digging its veins into mine like roots- draining the blood from it as you whispered sweet words. Draining the love from it for validation while I was left crumbling, trying all the while to please you.

You were ugly.

I can't admit it to myself.

The way you did the same to other people, telling me I was special while seeking validation from the greater world like it's what it was made for. Leaving me behind while I struggled on my own. Like a fish flopping in air. All the water leaving me. All my love bleeding out.

You are ugly.

Even leaving me now.

Abandoning me fully on the side of the road like a dog. Not a wiff of your scent left to track. Not a bit of your world left for me to see. Not a crumb of reassurance you're alright. Even though you told me there always would be.

I am ugly.

Because you left me.

My soul twisted into knots. Drained dry. Bad habits formed from the way you walked away overriding my brain. A broken lump on the road begging for affection but unable to give. Every word out of my mouth an utterance of self pity when I can't even manage to be a whole person for those who walk by. Unable to get words out of my mouth except for how sad I am.

I am ugly.

But maybe without me you're beautiful.

I can only hope.

Because I know I'm ugly without you.

Just some random thoughts I wanted to put somewhere but didn't know where to put them.

My current favorite singer (Malcolm Todd) just released a new song that kinda leaves a pit in my stomach with how much it relates to my situation that I'm still processing and hung up on and idk when I'll get over it because obsession is the nature of the beast.

"I Saw Your Face", short of actually seeing their face, perfectly encapsulates how it feels to have to leave someone for the greater good even though you just don't want to. I hate it. I hate being cut off from the stream of info. I hate being cut off from being able to care about their issues with them.

It's like losing a limb that you were just too used to. That you need to walk with now, your sense of balance tied to it. But you have to let go. You don't have any choice. It was killing you.

I wanted so desperately to work past the shortcomings. Work around everything.

But I couldn't. Too obsessed to be healthy and too obsessed to let go. It's a stupid position I let myself slide into.

I should've said yes the first time honestly. I wonder if my regret brings some sort of twisted smile to their face. I wonder if it hurts them too.

I kinda just wonder if they're really hurting as much as I am. Even if it's in a different way. I hope they're hurting more just because I couldn't feel the care while they were here. So I just kinda wish for them to be showing it while I can't see it.

I don't even really know if they liked having me around that well. They always said they did. And that they didn't mind me. But I don't know. I really and truly don't know. I couldn't feel it at all and I can't feel it now that they're gone.

I think that's a me problem. Not being able to tell if I'm actually loved even if it's said right to my face. It feels like someone's dangling a rope in front of me but I just can't grab it to see if it's real. I just can't use it to climb out of the hole of self hatred I have.

I don't understand how people know they're loved in their soul. I don't understand how that tether of security is there.

I just wish I could be with someone as obsessive as I am so that I wouldn't have a chance to doubt it but my brain is scared of being wanted so hard that it practically self destructs at the prospect, especially when it happens too fast.

Love coming to someone fast like that means they can leave fast too after all.

Anyways, back to Malcolm Todd.

The only reason he's my favorite lately is how tightly I feel his understanding of yearning. If not yearning then at least BPD because every single song I feel my entire soul in lol.

I wish I could have it all back but I'm too scared to feel anything at all now.

I'm tired. I think it's nap time.

Sorry it's so disjointed and not even in an entertaining way.

I wish I could cut myself apart and sew me back together in a way that was more pleasant and palatable for everyone.

I wish I was easily digestible.

I wish I was consumable.

I wish I was wanted in a way that felt warm and fuzzy and not insidious.

I wish I was a teddy bear and that my love was like soup that would be warm and make the world felt safe.

But I'm not.

And it's not.

And my brain hurts.