I went to study for finals and 80 pages of notes have suddenly gone blank. Beyond that, they are all there. I’ve tried going to iCloud but the furthest backup it has is apparently after they all deleted themselves. Is there anything I can do? These notes cover one third of my entire lecture and they’re just gone.
Please help
I’m 20 years old. I’ve identified as male since I was about 12 and have a longer history with gender before that, but that’s another post.
I’m born female. I came out to my parents at 14 and I regret it everyday.
At first, they were hesitantly supportive. They let me socially transition at school and wear the clothes I wanted. But once I turned about 16, things changed. They didn’t like it and started developing a hostile attitude towards the topic of me being transgender. We’ve gotten into a lot of fights over my identity, and when I was a junior in high school they put me in “gender exploratory” therapy, where my gender identity and sanity were constantly questioned. I was convinced by multiple therapists that I was delusional and needed others to make big life decisions for me since I couldn’t even make the right decision on my own gender identity. I was subjected to a lot of psychological abuse during this time and still have nightmares about it, and continue to struggle trusting myself and know what I want.
I was forced back into the closet and I’ve stayed that way since, coming up now on about 4 years. It’s extremely painful, but it doesn’t feel safe telling anyone, even now that I’m in another state for college. I hate myself for telling them. I don’t feel like I will ever be happy. I recently made the decision to get my hair cut short after growing it out to appease my mom, and my parents are furious.
I want to start the process of medically transitioning and socially transition again. But I’m so scared. I’ve spent so much of my life being villainized for it being told that a part of the devil lives in me, that I’m going to hell, that I’m delusional and mentally ill, etc.
I hate living this way but I can’t see my life being different. I feel doomed to suffocate like this until I die. Nobody I know here knows how I feel and I don’t want to tell them. So I’m unloading it here.
I went to take out the trash and I was gone for a maximum of two minutes
(he’s perfectly fine just has some tv dust on him now)