I feel guilty for buying anything new...
I'm 53, and i haven't been home in a year, after i've lost my appartement to a flood. I live in a women only housing now, a single room with common spaces. My time here has to come an end ( it's 12 months max) and i am soon back to live, all alone. in May. I have to deal with a lot of anxiety, fears, and i'm working with a therapist so that living alone won't end up in another problematic situation. Solo life wasn't easy for me, even before the flood, i would barely leave home and ended up planning to take my own life. And then, that water all over the place forced me out, and saved me, somehow. Even though i was always frugal, didn't own much, it did hurt to see it ruined, and to abandon my nest.
Now, i need a lot of things. I thrifted all my furniture except the mattress. And i haven't found a couple of pieces yet, i'm going back to the thrift store next week, for a sofa and a tv stand, if there is something i like. I still have time, and the bedroom was my priority, my refuge room.
Anyway, today i was at HomeSense for the first time ever. I wanted carpets for the living room and the bedroom, and to dress my bed. Things were SO pretty......spring pastel colours everywhere, i felt all fuzzy and finally decided the way my room would be after i got the carpet. It did set things in motion, i'm suffering from great ambivalence and buying stuff makes me nervous. I found some deals, i was very reasonable, because like i said i still need a lot of stuff.
Now, i'm back here in my room, looking at the things i bought, that i love, but i feel guilty for spending money. I don't get it! I've spent an entire year, saving every penny while i live in this room, exactly for this day. To get an appartement i want to live in, with a comforting feeling. My previous place was too empty, too minimalist, no texture, nothing on the walls. And i would barely decorate besides a few plants. In the end, it made me anxious and it unsettled my guests, for the few that came over...Now, i want to love my place. Still, i feel silly and stupid to buy anything new. I wonder if i haven't got too frugal? Like, i've lost touch with the realities of life? I can't find all i want for free, that's impossible. And if i'm honest, i always hated my previous sofa, i found it ugly. But it was for free so, i felt smart. Same with clothes sometimes, from the thrift store.
Understand, i live with a very low income and, money is a serious matter for me. I plan and budget to the last penny.
But that i can't even feel happy for more than 5 minutes, at my age, about some brand new carpets, sheets, a duvet and a throw? ..What's wrong?.....I almost got back for a refund even though i want and need it...