u/bunnyshark1999

Part 1

I (27F) was making a coffee in the office just before a meeting when a coworker (~40M) I hadn't met before struck up a conversation with me. It was his 3rd day at the company; he'd recently moved from London to the north of the UK for this job, and had only been in the UK for about a year, originally from Jamaica. He suggested we grab a coffee sometime, which I felt was a bit forward for a first interaction, but I assumed positive intent since he was new to the company and area.

The next day he messaged me on Teams to follow up, and I agreed. I told 2 coworkers on my team, who I consider mates, where I'm going and who with. We went to a nearby café, and the conversation was normal until we sat down. I mentioned I'm from London and go back often to see friends, family, and my partner. He then asked if my partner visits much; I said sometimes, but I’m usually in London as I have more people to see. He made his first inappropriate comment by saying, "If I was him, I'd be up here all the time." That made me uncomfortable, so I quickly finished my coffee and suggested we head back.

On the walk back, things were normal again until he made another strange comment just before entering the office; he said, "You remind me of my ex wife. You're very slim like her and you walk like her," and continued to talk about his past marriage. I kept things polite and ended the conversation once we got back. I didn't make things awkward during this interaction as I like to avoid conflict and awkwardness in an office environment.

I told the same 2 coworkers what happened, and we laughed it off. Later, he messaged saying he enjoyed chatting to me over coffee and suggested we go for drinks — I didn't respond. A few hours later, he messaged again and said "I'm done for the day. Here's my number, message me if you like." I responded with "Have a good evening," and told the same colleagues, who were more concerned. After that, I avoided engaging, and he seemed to take the hint.

Part 2

A few months later, a coworker (~30F) from his team approached me. We’re not close, but we chat occasionally. She’d heard about my experience via one of my teammates after raising concerns about him, and asked to speak discreetly as she’d had issues too.

I told her what happened and things had been fine since. She then described her own experiences: on his first day, he said his birthday had been three days earlier and jokingly asked if she made him a cake - with male colleagues present, she felt singled out as the only woman; he sat uncomfortably close while she showed him something on her monitor; and they've been having general work disagreements regarding how to handle clients. She raised concerns with their manager, who tried to defuse the situation.

He later messaged her suggesting they get coffee and “start over." She vehemently declined, saying she’d only interact in a professional setting and preferably with someone else present. She listed her reasons, referring to the issues I outlined above, and he responded with a list of points rebutting her concerns, even mentioning that she once lightheartedly said he smelled like coco butter. She said they now only speak when necessary and that he’s negatively affected team dynamics.

She asked me to report my experience to HR to support her case. I politely declined as our situations are separate, nothing had happened with him for months, and I didn’t feel escalation was necessary in my case. I felt it wasn’t appropriate for her to ask me to report him to HR, since she hadn’t done so herself. She also suggested that I email her manager to describe my experience, which I felt was a bad idea.

I'm aware I wouldn't be in this situation if I had kept matters to myself. I'm more interested to know if I handled part 2 correctly?

Part 1

I (27F) was making a coffee in the office just before a meeting when a coworker (~40M) I hadn't met before struck up a conversation with me. It was his 3rd day at the company; he'd recently moved from London to the north of the UK for this job, and had only been in the UK for about a year, originally from Jamaica. He suggested we grab a coffee sometime, which I felt was a bit forward for a first interaction, but I assumed positive intent since he was new to the company and area.

The next day he messaged me on Teams to follow up, and I agreed. I told 2 coworkers on my team, who I consider mates, where I'm going and who with. We went to a nearby café, and the conversation was normal until we sat down. I mentioned I'm from London and go back often to see friends, family, and my partner. He then asked if my partner visits much; I said sometimes, but I’m usually in London as I have more people to see. He made his first inappropriate comment by saying, "If I was him, I'd be up here all the time." That made me uncomfortable, so I quickly finished my coffee and suggested we head back.

On the walk back, things were normal again until he made another strange comment just before entering the office; he said, "You remind me of my ex wife. You're very slim like her and you walk like her," and continued to talk about his past marriage. I kept things polite and ended the conversation once we got back. I didn't make things awkward during this interaction as I like to avoid conflict and awkwardness in an office environment.

I told the same 2 coworkers what happened, and we laughed it off. Later, he messaged saying he enjoyed chatting to me over coffee and suggested we go for drinks — I didn't respond. A few hours later, he messaged again and said "I'm done for the day. Here's my number, message me if you like." I responded with "Have a good evening," and told the same colleagues, who were more concerned. After that, I avoided engaging, and he seemed to take the hint.

Part 2

A few months later, a coworker (~30F) from his team approached me. We’re not close, but we chat occasionally. She’d heard about my experience via one of my teammates after raising concerns about him, and asked to speak discreetly as she’d had issues too.

I told her what happened and things had been fine since. She then described her own experiences: on his first day, he said his birthday had been three days earlier and jokingly asked if she made him a cake - with male colleagues present, she felt singled out as the only woman; he sat uncomfortably close while she showed him something on her monitor; and they've been having general work disagreements regarding how to handle clients. She raised concerns with their manager, who tried to defuse the situation.

He later messaged her suggesting they get coffee and “start over." She vehemently declined, saying she’d only interact in a professional setting and preferably with someone else present. She listed her reasons, referring to the issues I outlined above, and he responded with a list of points rebutting her concerns, even mentioning that she once lightheartedly said he smelled like coco butter. She said they now only speak when necessary and that he’s negatively affected team dynamics.

She asked me to report my experience to HR to support her case. I politely declined as our situations are separate, nothing had happened with him for months, and I didn’t feel escalation was necessary in my case. I felt it wasn’t appropriate for her to ask me to report him to HR, since she hadn’t done so herself. She also suggested that I email her manager to describe my experience, which I felt was a bad idea.

I'm aware I wouldn't be in this situation if I had kept matters to myself. I'm more interested to know if I handled part 2 correctly?