u/bunnyblack90

Anyone here managed to stay living with someone you had a conflict with and it was okay? How did you manage it? Got any tips for me?

There was a conflict in my house a few months ago and although we followed the procedure as best we could (conflict is messy right? It’s rarely a cut and dried thing between two people)…

The “primary” conflict was resolved but there ended up being an un-named, much subtler conflict between me and someone else who fuelled the primary conflict.

I’ve tried to sort things out with her but it hasn’t worked. I feel so terrible seeing her every day and being reminded of it all. We’re lucky enough to have two houses in my co-op so I’m moving in to the other one to get away from her, but the two houses are still very intertwined and I’m worried it won’t be enough. It’s really affecting my mental health.

I don’t know how to keep living with her.
wondering if anyone has any advice or has been through similar situations?

I live in a housing co-operative with a group of people. There was recently a conflict I ended up in the centre of. I ended up moving out temporarily and was really upset; I thought I was going to have to leave my home and lose my community I’d been part of for the past five years. As part of the conflict resolution process, another co-op member kept not being able to manage her emotions and derailing the process and making it about other issues that weren’t helping me feel safe, happy, comfortable and secure in the house to return home. It took two weeks until I felt able to come home and then in the first “repairing the relationship” meeting she did it again. 

Since then, months later, I’ve invited her to talk about our relationship and how she acted during that time and she’s admitted she “didn’t handle it well” but didn’t apologise and the way she talked about it just feels so cold and uncaring, like she’s kinda saying the right thing but there’s no indication she has any remorse or feelings about the harm she caused me and how much she hurt me (I considered us pretty good friends before that). It just didn’t feel like she cared about me. I just can’t imagine being okay with my actions impacting someone like her impacted me. She also doesn’t seem prepared to stop something like that happening again so I’ve completely lost trust in her, and the co-op as a whole since she seems to be able to overpower/influence many other people. 

In the next few months, I’m moving to her other house (on the next street) that my co-op owns so I’ll have a bit of distance from her but the two houses are still very linked and my friendship group is centred around the co-op. 

I still have so many difficult feelings about her and how she’s acted, it takes up too much of my time and energy. I don’t want to feel like this and feel like I keep trying to drag others in to petty issues with her (like her re-following me on Instagram, what does that mean?) so I can keep processing my feelings and getting validation. How do I reconcile my feelings about how she acted and feel more okay with it? 

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