u/breaking_margins

This is my first time posting something like this - left a little messy on purpose.

I've hit snooze on my phone five times, and the dread that I'm feeling in my body about starting this day is quite literally making it feel like this bed is more comfortable than it has been at any other point in its existence. It’s all consuming; my stomach already feels heavy and full, and I haven't even started the day.

Out of bed at 10:00 am still leaves me enough time to shower and maybe eat something on the way out the door!

Crawling out of bed, my hair feeling so greasy from the mask I put on it yesterday and forgot to wash out last night, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

You really need to find a way to make your stomach smaller, it’s starting to show in your scrubs more and more every shift. Come on, get it together.

That membership you’re paying for at Cal Fit isn’t going to do you any good if you don’t go.

I was going to look at my budget last night and forgot again, I need to do better with my money.

If I keep spending like this, I am going to have to ask for help.

That’s what your credit card is for, and then you can just use your line of credit.

Maybe tonight I’ll order supper now that I have a plan for my money.

Just as I feel my hands grab my stomach and the word GROSS rolls through my mind, I shift.

“Did I remember to refill the Celsus in the fridge last night?” I think to myself as I climb into the shower, and the water sears my back at the perfect temperature.

If I don’t have my morning fridge ciggy, I will take no responsibility for my actions going forward. You think I’m joking? Wait until I tell you about George!

The shower feels so good, and I'm so excited that it's hair wash day. I think this is what they tell me is something I should be grateful for, right? I am grateful, very grateful… don’t get me wrong, I'm fully aware that I don't live in a third world country, and I am privileged to be able to have my shower in the morning, but Joan has taught me to recognize that this is about the only place I feel alive every single day.

Every day, something about the water brings me back just enough that I am able to go out and be this put-together version of me that’s professional and on top of her game.

You really would have it all if you could just lose this weight and feel better about yourself.

This is about the time when the thoughts start: the pieces, the parts, the places, the ideas, the criticism. You see, I'm not just working with me, I'm working with all of the parts that are inside of me, and we are a lot.

Evie - Chpt 2 [697]