8 months into BJJ and still struggling with fundamentals. Feeling ashamed to return
I’m a white belt with around 8 months of training, but honestly my journey has been really inconsistent and lately it’s been affecting me mentally a lot. It’s not necessarily that I completely disappear for months, but I go through periods where I reduce my training a lot, stop showing up as consistently during the week, and then I feel like I fall behind everyone else.
I’ve struggled with depression for a while and I’m currently on medication trying to improve my motivation and consistency overall. What feels weird is that I genuinely like jiu jitsu. I enjoy learning, I like the environment, and I think about training all the time, but I still end up disappearing for a couple weeks here and there, especially when life gets emotionally heavy.
Recently I also went through a breakup/separation that affected me pretty badly, and after that I stopped showing up again. Now I’ve been away for over 2 weeks and I feel embarrassed to return because I already struggle with fundamentals a lot. Sometimes during class or rolls I feel like everyone around me is way more advanced, even newer people seem to connect concepts faster than I do, and I end up feeling like I’m slowing my partners down because things need to be explained to me multiple times.
I think part of my inconsistency comes from frustration too. I feel behind for the amount of time I’ve trained, then I disappear because I feel discouraged, then I come back feeling even more behind.
At the same time, recently I met a friend from another academy and he invited me to a few open mats there. I had never really gone to open mats before because I was too intimidated, but surprisingly I felt really comfortable there. There were more newer belts, people were welcoming, and I even met the coach. It reminded me that I actually do enjoy this sport and want to keep training.
But now I’m kind of stuck in my head about everything and wondering if anyone else has gone through this cycle during their first year. I keep thinking about returning, but sometimes I feel like I haven’t earned my place there because of how inconsistent I’ve been and how slowly I improve compared to others.