favoritism accusations
im 14F, ive never gotten a lead in a dance or even been front line center or any of that or gotten a special part before. so this year, i got my first lead ever, i have a whole different costume and everything, its the same choreo mostly but yeah, im not very good at socializing cause im homeschooled and very introverted so idk how to go about this, but i feel like its js awkward now and nobody really likes me anymore cause i got a lead. its not a lot of direct jabs at me just weird passive aggressive stuff.
“i hate this dance its so boring”
“wow ms.teacher really likes you huh?”
“you’re so lucky”
“arent you better at jazz than contemporary?”
“lol you better not mess up cause you’ll be watched”
like none of them say directly “i hate you you didnt deserve it” but my friends i had last year are more distant and i feel like i cant even so much as talk about the class let alone being the lead cause everyone gets weird and awkward.
like i remember so vividly the day i got it. we where doing the first formations and our teacher was explaining what the dance was about and said i’d be the lead and it literally was dead silent and everyone was js staring at me or getting fidgetty. and ive been in the room when other people (some even literally in the same room) got leads bigger than mine and everyone was clapping and smiling and it was literally nothing. i went home crying w a panic attack cause i literally cannot physically handle that many people being mad at me. like i already feel shitty enough about myself and insecure there so that didnt help. ive been coming home crying after almost every time i have that class. in like january i asked my teacher to talk after class and i asked her to be fully honest if i came off as rude or unaproachable cause i like genuinely was like “what if im one of those girls that never realizes how bitchy they are” and thats literally my biggest fear cause i dont talk alot and people dont rly talk to me much so i feel like i js come off as un-friend-able. she said i js seem focused and more reserved and i cried at that aswell cause i thought she was lying
so now its may, we just had our last competition and it’s gotten 1st at all our competitions and everyone literally always says “wow im so suprised THAT dance got 1st” or like saying other dances from our studio should’ve gotten first. idk i feel protective of the dance not just cause im the lead but i adore the story and the choreography so so much, and it feels like theyre sayijg it cause im the lead which idk if thats like self centered and me thinking ‘everyones oht to get me’ i just wish i got the same treatment as the other girls who got leads in other dances got. like nobody said they where happy for me or ‘good job’ or literally anything to do with how hard i work for this, it was all either that the teacher just likes me or that i was lucky like it was a random pick and theres no fathomable way i could’ve gotten it for my skill. idk if im overreacting but i havent talked to them about it cause i dont wanna be problematic.
i want to be equal with them and i feel like this js separated all of us. like everyone used to literally tell me and other people how nice i always was now i feel like they all assumed im an asshole all of a sudden because the teacher gave me a lead which makes 0 sense to me. also i feel like whenever i tried to stand up for myself last year everyone acted like i was mean. like i could only be considered nice if i just stayed quiet and let them do wtv they wanted and say wtv they want