i want my memories back
i suffered a severe TBI 2.5 years ago. after waking up from the coma and engaging in rehab, i realised i have a hole in my memory: from the day of the injury back ~8 months, could be more.
the memories i lost include a lot of painful ones but also a lot of joyful moments: i threw a big party with my friends for my 18th birthday, i saw some photos and i was really looking happy and weightless. i don’t remember a single thing of it. i had a whole romantic relationship with a boy and i don’t remember a single thing of it.
i’ve once asked my neurologist about this and she brushed it off saying it’s called dissociative amnesia and the memories will come back, sometime, somehow.
i’ve also asked an ICU doctor about this and he told my my neurologist’s didn’t really answer me because the human brain is unknown. he told me my amnesia is called “post-traumatic amnesia” and it could be due the TBI but also due to the fact that my brain wanted to protect me by a traumatic time that supposedly i had and led me to the event that caused my TBI (a suicide attempt).
the point here is, maybe not remembering the exact day of the attempt is a positive thing, maybe having removed all of those painful memories really is for the best, but honestly i feel like i have a hole in my mind and there are also positive things i would like to remember: the first time i met some dear friends, the first time i had sex, when i would rule my school’s students newspaper