DAE I completely regressed into infancy during SE therapy
Hi! My therapist is both a licensed psychotherapist and a certified SPT (sensorimotor psychotherapy) practitioner.... and we've recently established my attachment trauma likely started in infancy, age 0-3.
I just wanted to share what's been happening in the recent sessions and ask for similar stories!
Soo during sessions, my most frequent trigger is when I feel like my therapist is judging/in bad mood/disapproving/not listening, etc. I completely freeze and zone out. She is aware of this and we agree that 1) my other issues of depression, ocd, body dysmorphia, bulimia etc shares same roots as this 2) I have an internalized image of my mother I project on pretty much everyone.
Now, recently, I increased frequency of my sessions and kept working with her, and became more and more comfortable. And realized there's actually a lonely sad baby inside me :(
When she leads me into completely grounded, peaceful and happy sensation, I giggle and babble like a baby and flap my limbs. When I follow my triggered sensation I cannot speak, pout and quiver my lips, look away, start breathing hard and thrash cry.
It's a little embarassing but especially today, I fully went into baby mode and became an infant?! I was almost crawling, looking at everything in awe and even grabbing things and putting random stuff in my mouth??? Idk I really wanted to. I grabbed a flower pot and really wanted to feel the texture in my mouth. I suppose that's what my body wants? I almost felt possessed😅
Now I'm wondering... did my lifetime obsession with food somehow come from failure to orally explore the world in infancy? I'm pretty certain my mother was very on edge while raising me and likely had postpartum depression too. I mean she did also use food as her love language while shaming my body and food was strong culture in my family, but maybe me trying to numb with food has.. deeper roots?
Anyway, I was wondering if anyone experienced something similar. My therapist was definitely proud of me. I hope this will soothe the hurt baby version of me 🥹