u/alichvsanek1

because standing in front of the mirror every time trying to find some positive aspects of your appearance and deceive yourself with words like "i'm pretty" "i have an average appearance" "i can be liked by people" and maybe even convince yourself of your lies in the end, it will only hurt more when the outside world reminds you again of what your appearance is in terms of objective beauty, and your whole confidence will fall apart when someone tells you their honest opinion about how ugly you are, how disgusting it is to be around you, how even plastic surgery won't help you, and how totally unfuckable you are because you're so ugly. denial won't help improve the self-esteem; ultimately, everything will only get worse. there's no way out.

i once managed to convince myself that i had a normal, average appearance that didn't disgust people, but now i'm even more convinced that this is not true. i will never feel better, but now i know there's no point in forcing myself to think i'm looking better than people says i am.

i think i almost died in my sleep today. you know, that thing that happens when you leave your body? i was suddenly jerked upwards from my apartment above the rooftops and then carried away into some immense white space with multi-colored pulsating figures, where i began to fall back down into the abyss. i felt like i'm falling into the hell but i wasn't. (i suppose it wasn't it) it all ended when the space began to gradually shrink and it now felt like an empty room inside a paper house, in front of some black substance soaring in white space and taking the forms of various geometric shapes. i thought it looked like petroleum, but someone (still in my voice) said that this is what the blood of a god looks like. after which sadly i woke up. i had also dreamed before it tonight that i threw myself off a cliff, but i understood that it was a dream, even if i felt quite painful, and the vision what followed felt so real, it was sad to wake up. i honestly have never felt so alive in a life, specifically in terms of physical sensations. i've had such dreams happen before from time to time, both out-of-body experiences, sleep paralysis, dreams within a dream, i often experience lucid dreams involuntarily, i never try to do it and don't really like it but nevertheless. yet now it feels somehow special for me, feels especially strong because at this time i want to die more than ever. in general, i rarely remember what happens in dreams last time ; lately, i've been sleeping like a corpse. but sometimes it happens. i think it's a sign, but i don't know what it means yet,,,,