Invalid Marriage, but don't want convalidation. Should I leave the Church rather than commit mortal sin?
I was married in a civil ceremony 3½ years ago. I knew my marriage would be invalid, but did not understand the full extent of what invalidity meant. I am just now understanding that I am cut off from all sacraments, including absolution through confession. Even still, I don't want to go through convalidation.
[ Context: I watched how my father's denied anullment attempts affected his Catholicism - unable to participate in the Eucharist he stopped practicing Catholicism and ultimately converted from Christianity to another faith. I erroneously thought that by not having a sacramental marriage, I could avoid everything my father went through. To be fair, ALOT was going on around the time we were married so I was not thinking as logically as normal ]
I am struggling because I do not view my marriage as sinful. Yet, I know this is not about my views, but instead the Church' s laws and teachings. Part of me is like: If I'm in mortal sin anyway (and can't get absolution), then I might as well pray about it, participate in Eucharist, and let this be between me and the Lord. But I also know that would be another mortal sin.
Have you all spoken with or counseled folks in similar situations, people who don't want to be married in the church, but otherwise want to participate fully? How have or would you counsel them? Would it just be better to leave the Church then be living in mortal sin under Church teaching?
(I know what my parish priest would say, because my mother was also in an invalid marriage since my father's first marriage was not annulled.)
EDIT (since thread was locked before I could reply to last post) : I acknowledge how confusing/ illogical it sounds. I myself am confused, which is why I'm here on Reddit. I do understand the sacrament of marriage. I understand that it is a vocation. I think the fundamental issue is that I do not feel that the church needs to be involved in my marriage. My beliefs on marriage do not align with church teaching. Hence, why I chose not to have a sacramental marriage. My concern is not around having to go through an annulment to remarry (because I'm not trying to get divorced or remarried. I intend to be with my spouse for life), it's more about the church having the authority to dictate something like that. I feel like it's about principle. I suppose I feel uncomfortable with the church's authority in this matter despite everything I've been taught.
My lack of understanding was around the repercussions of having an invalid marriage. As stated in the original post, I did not realize that I would be cut off from all sacraments, including confession. Since I am not in grace, I have also stepped back from the parish ministries that I previously participated in. I did not realize how isolating my decision would be. However, I still fully support my decision. That's why my original question was, would it be best for me to leave the church? Because, at this time, I do not see myself changing my views on the church's authority over marriage. If I want to participate fully in a faith community, then I am realizing that cannot happen in a Catholic community. I was trying to see if any priests had spoken with parishioners, who feel the same way about the church's teachings on marriage, as I do. I wondered if this was something that people really struggle with. But it seems like, most people go the convalidation route, if available to them.