u/_miss_freckles_

I’m a FTM to a happy and healthy 6 month old baby. We have combo fed from the start due to low supply. As each month goes by I seem to produce less and as a result he needs more formula. His tummy is used to 8oz (once prepared) every 2-3 hours when he eats from a bottle and I seem to only make 2-3 ounces in that same amount of time. I’ve been trying to offer the breast before every bottle when we’re at home but he’s also in a very easily distracted stage. I so much as wiggle and he pops off and pushes away from me.

He had a tie and some medical stuff come up that required a release and blood draws a few months ago. And of course he’s had his regular course of vaccines. After all of these distressing times he’s latched immediately for comfort and he’s calmed down so quickly.

We had his 6 months shots yesterday and he didn’t want to nurse at all. I put my breast in his mouth and he wouldn’t latch - just big cries.

I’m already feeling so sensitive about my BF journey not being as successful as I’d hoped - though I don’t know what my measure of success was because I’d always planned to combo feed. This feels like a small rejection and reminder that “I’m not good enough” or “if I’d only tried harder”. I realized breastfeeding is what makes me feel like his mom and not just another caregiver. I know all of this is absurd but I can’t shake it. My husband can’t seem to wrap his head around it either and just thinks it’s concerning that I feel this way.

I wish some of my friends had similar experiences but they either EBF, EPF, or didn’t have the weird mental hang up that I have.

Can anyone relate?

I'm sorry this is so long. I've started to type this out so many times over the last couple of months and never ended up following through. Finishing my thoughts is overwhelming and it all makes me so sad. I'm crying as I write this. I hope it comes off coherent.

My son is 6 months old, and we've combo fed from the beginning because my milk came in a bit late. As he grew (and so did his appetite) my supply wasnt able to keep up - or maybe I failed to realize how important pumping was to keep up my supply, or maybe I just didnt try hard enough to eat right and drink enough and pump enough and all the things I was supposed to do. His little tummy is now used to having 8oz (once prepared) of formula about every 2.5-3 hours (except overnight when he can go 4-5 hours or sometimes sleep through the night). When I pump, I can only ever produce about 4 ounces - even when I power pump. I can get about a 1-1.5 ounces every hour regardless of how often I empty my breasts.

On days he's not at daycare, I've been latching him until he gets annoyed enough that he unlatches and wont relatch and then I give him a bottle to satisfy him. When he is at daycare 3 days per week from 9-5 I try to pump at least twice, but the output is so minimal it feels like I'm wasting my time and crushing my hope every time I finish and pour the milk into bags. This is so mentally consuming and hard.

I've loved breastfeeding so much. It was the part of having a baby I was most excited for and I was so grateful I was able to produce at all. But every time I have to give him formula a part of me sort of dies inside. I inherently know fed is best, but my soul feels like it cant accept it.

I go back to work (after being laid off) at the end of June. All I want is to make sure I can at least breastfeed him twice a day. I've long come to terms with needing to combo feed (sort of), but I am so worried and not at all ready, to not be able to breastfeed at all.

I suppose I'm just looking for some encouragement or hope that my supply wont dry up if I can't pump as much when I go back to work (I know pumping is protected legally and I'll pump at work but it's a new job and I also want to make sure I'm able to give a new role my all). My period hasn't returned so that's a relief but I am so worried it will and then POOF no more milk. On top of all of this, we're about to move across the country to be closer to my family. My mom is flying with our son to our destination while my husband and I drive (slowly because we have pets and I'll need to pump often) over the course of 4 days. What if I get home and he doesn't want to breastfeed anymore at all? What if my body can just tell that the pump is not my son and decides to produce even less? It's unavoidable but I'm so worried.

Has anyone successfully had a lower supply, gone back to work, not fed as much, and not totally dried up? Please tell me there is hope. Or that it'll be okay on the other side of this. Or any suggestions on how I can let go of what feels like so much obsessing.