A note to their dad
I am struggling. I have spent almost the entire day in bed, switching between lashing out at you and driving away trying to find calm and quiet. I just hoped to find help.
Our babies are beautiful and I know that I love them. I would fiercely protect them but, the weight of everything ... of existing is becoming unbearable. There are moments where a switch flips and I find myself thinking it would be kinder if they weren't here to face this world. I want them to be spared the pain I feel and bring, I want them to have a happy life though, I don't believe I can give them that when my own life is such a constant battle. I have fought so hard to be okay, I am terrified that normal is something I will never reach.
The fear, anxiety and sadness I felt as we stood at the hospital entrance, ready to go home, ready to start a new journey with our babies is a weight I still carry with me, every single day. Its a vivid, heavy reminder of a transition that didn't feel the way it was supposed to.