What do I do? What did I do?
My PMDD partner and I have been together for almost 3 years. We've been living together for 2. My partner got their diagnosis 8 months ago.
Backstory:
Each time we argue it's either something that is a small issue or can easily be me double checking and confirming plans for the weekend. But, the arguments keep getting bigger and bigger.
In the past my partner kept bringing up the fact "I can always just move out" we usually both simmer down overnight and sometimes the next couple days, no contact, just space until my partner apologizes or if there's something we need to talk about with life that requires us to talk.
When there's an apology I always say to them, "It's fine, it's trial and error we'll get it figured out it's going to take some time. We'll get through this."
Current Day:
Today we had an argument on the phone that moved to texting over me getting my partner an ice cube tray that they didn't ask for.
I thought it would be something fun to have for ice cubes since the mold was shaped like a pear. But, apparently that was not the best idea. (I also have the mindset of if I can replace or fix something that is starting to fail why not just do it and be done with the hassle of the old product)
This eventually turned into my partner saying to me in a text message :
You come up with solutions to things where a problem doesn't exist to begin with
Why are you seeking things out to try replacing? Is what we have just not good enough for you anymore?
Am I not good enough anymore or what? Are you going to try fixing me or replace me down the road?
You seem to do that with objects so why not.
I replied with:
I can't believe you would even say something like that, I'd rather talk when you get home.
Why would that not be something to talk about, because that tells me that that's how you think of me and that fucking hurts.
Afterwards:
I was absolutely furious and hurt and I never got an answer back and decided I guess I'll move out. I packed almost all of my stuff by the time they came home.
Stopped in our bedroom and saw the photos of us on the wall and thought "WTF am I doing? I'm just going to let the damn thing win? I sat in the living room crying for a bit after realizing what I was doing and then talked to my partner on the other side of the bathroom door.
I told them I have loved them for almost 3 years and I still do, and that me packing my shit is just proving that this PMDD is doing what it exactly wants.
TLDR: Partner and I argued. Words were said. I started packing, realized what I was doing and now I'm here writing this post.
What do I do? What did I do?
I feel so lost and empty because I don't want to lose my partner but any attempts I make to try and support them just get absolutely shot down. I could move my eyes wrong and then it all backfires. They always want space but I always want to help and it's a constant push and pull deal.
I know to not take anything personal when their PMDD flares up out of nowhere but it's been getting harder to tell when it's an episode or just a general argument. Harder yet, to accept the apologies at full value as well.