u/YouWereWarned15

I see my reference to the absolute idiocy and British elitism of the Oxford comma has generated some angst. I’ve staffed out your concerns and you will all be receiving correspondence from my team shortly.

Having said that, I was leaving a convenience store this morning and attempted to open the door on my right-hand side. It didn’t budge. Locked. As per usual when that happens (frequently) I paused. I stayed where I was, dramatically looking skyward and shaking my head. I turned to the clerk and made sure they were fully aware of my disdain. Oh the look I gave that person.

Speaking of that, the semi-colon. Just stop. Many of you who defend the empire’s Oxford comma, also attempt to use the semi-colon. Stop. You don’t know how. Just avoid it. Periods and commas (not Oxford). Periods and commas.

And another thing; my hostas are growing nicely and I sang some classic Jackson Browne while watering them last night. The neighborhood ladies were impressed.

Ok. Look. A few things I need to come clean with.

I have flip flop tan lines. Starting at 11am my mind is on getting to my yard and creating work for myself.

I resist the urge to comment on any post that has grammatical horror in the title. It drives me a little insane. Seriously. Loose and lose. It’s not varsity.

I traded half a rhododendron for a wagon of hostas today and I swear I may not sleep because it excites me that much.

I see pictures of guys on social media staring wistfully toward the horizon as they drive and I wonder how they hired an Oompa Loompa to crouch in the passenger foot place and wait for…”Now…take it now.”

Oxford commas are for elitist assholes. We won the revolutionary war so we wouldn’t have to use them.

That’s it for now. Watch DTF St. Louis on HBO. It’s ridiculously good.

Seriously. This is nuts. Just sit down. This is how my morning and early afternoon went.

Arrived at Five Below at 10:02. Minor chastising from the pre-teen because we weren’t the first ones there, because that’s critical. 20 minutes or so there and I have to tell you this without hubris or ego…I was the best looking, wittiest, virile guy in there.

Ok. I was the only guy in there.

Deals. It’s all about deals. In exchange for the hell of Five Below the kiddo agreed to 11 minutes in Home Depot. Speed run. Potting soil, flowers with no research, a quick convo with a lady about perennials (I knew the answers but she was cute), then—as the kids would say—Audi 5000.

Now I’m planting things with ear buds in, singing Yacht Rock tunes loudly. Cargo shorts, flip flops, cheap beer in hand.

Line to the left, ladies.

I’d like to thank all of you for the genuine concern you showed for my harrowing trip to the DMV last week. I made it out alive. The aforementioned item in the woman’s hair in front of me turned out to be a piece of dried tomato, possibly a shard of pepperoni. Disturbing.

I’m currently in an airport, a south Texas airport, and I just saw two middle aged men wearing flat-brimmed ball caps. I can’t stress this enough: that is just not acceptable. That’s a young man’s game you’re playing and you’re not playing it well. Curve the brim if you’re over 35, men. Our gender suffers because of you.

I have a breakfast burrito in front of me and I’m eating it with a fork. People are glancing and murmuring. Let them. Let them, I say. If I were to pick this up, the results would be dramatic, messy and long-lasting.

Thank you for your attention to the matters above.

I was up before the crack this morning and feeling incredibly ambitious. I opened my laptop, intending to eloquently answer ten or twelve moderately important emails.

I answered one and then a Lulu Lemon ad popped up so I naturally decided to look at some tasteful Reddit porn, which turned into a scenario featuring an innocent girl trying to make her way through med school by stripping while serving drinks from the golf course beer cart.

Next thing you know, I’m watching YouTube golf instructional videos and now I’m convinced I can hit a draw off the tee box.

And that’s the morning of a middle aged divorced man. Line forms to the left, ladies.