Recovery isn't always sunshine and flowers, but I am still grateful.
As the title suggests, I've been in recovery from chronic, daily migraines for a few years now. Something I genuinely never thought would happen to me, but it did. I am incredibly grateful to be here, I love it here, but it has also shown me what an almost lifetime (14 - 30 years old) of chronic pain has done to me mentally and physically.
I lived with migraine almost every single day, the severity would range between totally manageable to its time to go to the emergency department because nothing else is working.
I didn't just live with pain though, I lived with unmet expectations, suspicion over foods, drinks, clothes, you name it, anything could be a potential trigger. I lived with letting family and friends down through cancelled plans last minute. I lived with failed medical treatments, some that also scarred me mentally. I lived with severe depression and anxiety. Every movement , every decision, made to hopefully ease my pain or manage a trigger.
Now I live a life where I am unravelling all that damage, leaving the house for plans I am excited for, to see people I love, is almost impossible.
My body is expecting pain, it's expecting something to derail plans, whether the plans are social, or something simple like what I planned to cook for dinner. So when pain doesn't come, it throws crippling panic attacks my way. I cannot express enough how many things my body thinks is a threat, because of what used to be a threat, and how often I am left dealing with panic attacks and dissociations.
I lack connection to self, even simple things like my fashion style, as comfort was always paramount. Who has time for values, beliefs and identifying personal strengths when you're bed bound a majority of then time with disabling pain?
However, I would not trade. I am so insanely thankful that I am in a position to tackle these new issues, the hidden side effects. I am excited to live my life, even if it's hard.
So I want you all to know, if you're ever in doubt, what you are going through is a huge, huge deal. You deserve to be taken seriously, to have a medical team fighting hard for you, not just for the migraine treatment, but treating the co-morbidities.
And to anyone who is in recovery, it's okay for recovery to be hard, too. It's okay to be angry at the scars constant pain and fear of pain has left behind.