u/Veryinsaneactually

Disclaimer:
This is a vent. I’m not looking for pity or even necessarily advice. I just needed to tell someone—even if it’s just the internet—because I can’t keep this inside anymore. Engagement isn't required, but thanks for being a space where I can speak. And please do not try to encourage me into anything thanks!

I’ve reached a point where I feel completely numb. People see me as this outgoing, friendly, and successful person, but it’s a total mask. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, and I scroll. There is no joy. No pleasure. Just a routine I follow because it’s what I’m "supposed" to do i guess🤦🏾‍♂️.

It’s been two years since I cut out the "distractions"—partying, drinking, smoking, and sex. I thought cleaning up my life would make me feel better, but instead, I just feel hollow. I make decent money, I’m great at my job, and i would say I am stable. But every time I hit a milestone, I feel less of a person(truly don’t know why) I can’t even celebrate because the accomplishment feels empty the second I touch it.

I grew up in a family that was messed up in every way possible. I’ve spent my entire adult life working myself to the bone to make sure I have nothing in common with where I came from. I succeeded, but at what cost?
I’m the "giving" friend. I’ll help anyone with anything. I defend people in my head even when they treat me like I’m invisible. A friend recently asked why I don't love myself more, and I couldn't answer. I tried a "solo date" to practice self-care, but I just sat there feeling lonely and weird, unable to even eat my food.
I’m exhausted from faking a smile from the moment I wake up until I’m alone in bed.

Starting in June, I’m going to start hitting the gym—not for the "gains," but because I want to be so physically drained that my brain finally stops thinking. Between that and trying to pray more, I’m just waiting for my time to be up tbh.

I can’t believe this is the life I’m living. I just needed to say that out loud.