Wenners to winners: I’ve been building a bonus prediction model and I regret nothing
Alright degenerates, I’ve cracked it. After months of rigorous “data science” (read: insomnia + spreadsheets), I have successfully reverse-engineered the exact timing of our monthly bonus drops.
Here’s what I analyzed:
• Time between previous bonuses (obviously)
• Day of the week (Tuesdays are suspiciously juicy)
• Market vibes (if I feel poor, bonus incoming)
• Lunar cycle (full moon = full wallet, it’s science)
• Mercury in retrograde (negative correlation but strong emotional impact)
• Number of times my boss says “circle back”
• The phase of my sourdough starter
• My dog’s willingness to go outside (high resistance = bullish signal)
• And most importantly… my wife’s menstrual cycle
After plugging all of this into what I can only describe as a “barely functioning Excel sheet held together by hope,” the model has reached a 99.7% confidence level that the next bonus drops tomorrow.
I will not be taking questions.
If I’m wrong, it’s because:
1. The moon betrayed us
2. My boss used the phrase “let’s take this offline” too many times
3. My dog knew something and didn’t tell me
Or… and this is the most concerning variable… my wife’s period is late, which historically has never been bullish for my disposable income. She reassures me that she should start in the next day or two. So as confident as she is about her period starting, I’m certain the bonus will drop in the next day or two.
Anyway, congrats in advance on everyone’s bonuses tomorrow. Spend it wisely.