u/Uk840

I 40, divorced my partner/husband of 14 years a year ago. There were lots of reasons, mostly his constant bullying and epically dead bedroom, but the main reason was his obsessive baby fever. His brother and sister both had kids and he suddenly had to have one too, a perfect baby boy.

Even though we’d never planned for kids I was open to it and agreed to start trying. He is irreparably infertile so I had to go through a bunch of fertility treatments whilst he bullied me the whole time for not being good enough or not trying hard enough or not wanting it enough. After four unsuccessful tries I said I think I need a break and the Dr agreed with me.

This was the beginning of the end, I became a valueless object in his life because I failed him and the bullying became outright abuse.

I left him, divorced him, and got my life back on track. I’m now living alone in a beautiful old house, I’ve lost almost 100lbs, I look/feel amazing, and my career is stronger than ever. I had my first casual boyfriend, rediscovered sex (omg!!) and accidentally fell pregnant after only two months of fucking. I had an abortion with no regrets and we broke up a few months later very amicably.

However, I don’t want to be married again and I’m not looking for a man to share my life with. Quite the opposite, I value my independence and enjoy being the anchor in my own life, and the anchor for other people too.

So, I’m planning to start the process again (I have an appointment next week) with a view to getting pregnant and raising my own child as a solo parent. I have the time, the resources, and the physical capability.

The problem is, there is no baby fever- I don’t cry in the baby aisle of the supermarket, I don’t get crazy feels when I see babies, I don’t fantasise about being pregnant and I like my friends kids but I’m not obsessed with them.

I want a family because I like caring, cooking, and routine. I like domestic life and I want to share it, I want to cook pancakes on Saturday morning, and help with homework, I like doing laundry. I’m a natural caretaker and provider- this is what brings me joy. I’m very steady and reliable and I want to invest that in relationships that will grow and last a lifetime.

But there’s no baby fever. And everyone keeps telling me “having kids is SO HARD, don’t do it unless you really want to.” I do really want to, I’m just not obsessed with babies to the point my nipples ache if I see one- surely there’s gonna be plenty of time later for aching nipples?

When I tried to explain to my friend why I wanted kids she replied bitterly, “it’s a lifelong sacrifice not a lifestyle choice.” I don’t visualise parenthood as like becoming a nun, cutting myself off from the world and taking a vow of celibacy and poverty so I can serve my child- I see it as this is me and my family and we’re a little team that’s going to experience the world together. Am I unhinged?

I need a reality check because now I’m spending more time obsessing about my decision and gaslighting myself than I am feeling joyful about the future.