u/TranscendingNadine

Often times when making life altering changes, it forces us to make necessary changes in other areas of our life. One of the things I have been facing in my transition is making new friends. I have been lucky enough to make a handful of friends online which is absolutely wonderful, albeit those friendships come and go which is par for the course of being online. It’s obviously not the same as irl friendships. With that said, I recently found myself desperate to want to make irl friendships to go out and socialize that I started to sacrifice my own integrity.

None of us are perfect in doing this and we all have things to work on, but in the quest for friendship, I was given a great reminder very recently to not settle for friendship just so I don’t feel quite as alone or feel more secure by going out with others. If someone is not interested in hanging out with me, I should take those cues and move on. None of it is personal and sometimes two people don’t vibe. But what people do owe each other imo is honesty instead of leading others on. If two people are adults, it’s okay to be honest. Although one could say nobody owes an explanation to anyone, it is always a more mature option to be honest. I called an individual out for making up excuses for not wanting to get together because they were extremely busy, but constantly posting that they were getting out. After several attempts at extending an invitation to go out, I teasingly called them out. Not knowing this individual well enough, I was told I was insecure and that I would need to work on that before they would be open to a friendship. Ouch. I have an opinion that this individual was simply called out on their crap and didn’t like it, but needless to say, there is no longer interest on my part to pursue a friendship. At the end of the day, we all have things we need to work on. Do I have insecurities? You bet, but that had less to do with this situation. I called her out because I refuse to be treated poorly by someone who is playing games. It’s growth for me to not continuously give others the benefit of a doubt and stand up for myself. I have always been a people pleaser but learning to advocate for myself more. It’s a balancing act sometimes but nobody wants to be a door mat. Also good for me to not set myself up for those situations. Okay to be vulnerable, but I need to pay attention and not invest where there is no return.

What I learned is that I was more caught up into the idea of having a local friend to go out with at the expense of not paying attention to my own needs or the type of personality that I look for in others. Why would anyone want to hang out with someone that just isn’t interested or quite frankly, not the type of outgoing person that I want to make friends with? The answer is loneliness, but never a good enough reason to push your own principles aside and make yourself vulnerable by continuing to initiate going out with someone that isn’t that interested in friendship.

A reminder for me to check my own motivations when making friends. Are there truly things in common besides being Transgender. What type of personality do I gravitate towards? Is holding a conversation difficult? Am I the one always initiating conversation? Do we hold similar values as people? These are not just things to think about when dating. Shared values and personalities are very important in establishing friendships.

Lastly, building friendships takes time built on trust, consideration, honesty and mutual respect. If they aren’t there, time to move on. We focus a lot on the physical changes we are wanting to make, but the emotional changes are just as important in becoming the person that we want to be which doesn’t happen overnight

Often times when making life altering changes, it forces us to make necessary changes in other areas of our life. One of the things I have been facing in my transition is making new friends. I have been lucky enough to make a handful of friends online which is absolutely wonderful, albeit those friendships come and go which is par for the course of being online. It’s obviously not the same as irl friendships. With that said, I recently found myself desperate to want to make irl friendships to go out and socialize that I started to sacrifice my own integrity.

None of us are perfect in doing this and we all have things to work on, but in the quest for friendship, I was given a great reminder very recently to not settle for friendship just so I don’t feel quite as alone or feel more secure by going out with others. If someone is not interested in hanging out with me, I should take those cues and move on. None of it is personal and sometimes two people don’t vibe. But what people do owe each other imo is honesty instead of leading others on. If two people are adults, it’s okay to be honest. Although one could say nobody owes an explanation to anyone, it is always a more mature option to be honest. I called an individual out for making up excuses for not wanting to get together because they were extremely busy, but constantly posting that they were getting out. After several attempts at extending an invitation to go out, I teasingly called them out. Not knowing this individual well enough, I was told I was insecure and that I would need to work on that before they would be open to a friendship. Ouch. I have an opinion that this individual was simply called out on their crap and didn’t like it, but needless to say, there is no longer interest on my part to pursue a friendship. At the end of the day, we all have things we need to work on. Do I have insecurities? You bet, but that had less to do with this situation. I called her out because I refuse to be treated poorly by someone who is playing games. It’s growth for me to not continuously give others the benefit of a doubt and stand up for myself. I have always been a people pleaser but learning to advocate for myself more. It’s a balancing act sometimes but nobody wants to be a door mat. Also good for me to not set myself up for those situations. Okay to be vulnerable, but I need to pay attention and not invest where there is no return.

What I learned is that I was more caught up into the idea of having a local friend to go out with at the expense of not paying attention to my own needs or the type of personality that I look for in others. Why would anyone want to hang out with someone that just isn’t interested or quite frankly, not the type of outgoing person that I want to make friends with? The answer is loneliness, but never a good enough reason to push your own principles aside and make yourself vulnerable by continuing to initiate going out with someone that isn’t that interested in friendship.

A reminder for me to check my own motivations when making friends. Are there truly things in common besides being Transgender. What type of personality do I gravitate towards? Is holding a conversation difficult? Am I the one always initiating conversation? Do we hold similar values as people? These are not just things to think about when dating. Shared values and personalities are very important in establishing friendships.

Lastly, building friendships takes time built on trust, consideration, honesty and mutual respect. If they aren’t there, time to move on. We focus a lot on the physical changes we are wanting to make, but the emotional changes are just as important in becoming the person that we want to be which doesn’t happen overnight