I had to drive to a city about 2 hours away for a work conference. On my way there, I had to continually exit off the interstate and stop at any gas station or rest stop I could find. I remember thinking, “How am I going to drive back?”
After the conference, I knew that I couldn’t drive home that night. I was too anxious and my stomach was in knots. All my colleagues drove back fine on their own. I pretended that I was going home too. I actually just stayed the night at a hotel nearby. I thought that, after some sleep, I could make it home in the morning.
As of right now, I’m writing this at a rest stop. I have driven a total of 30 minutes and I don’t know how I’m going to make it the rest of the way home without panicking.
My problem is driving on the interstate and country roads. I feel trapped driving on the interstate. I know that if I start to panic then I might be many miles away from a stopping point. The flat openness of the land makes me feel small. All I can see are green fields and empty plots where there once was corn. It’s like my mind is trying to psych myself out when I’m already trapped. If I was in the middle of that field then I’d collapse and be stuck. If I was on top of that radio tower then I’d throw up and fall.
And then there are second-hand anxious thoughts. If I look at the sky, then I’ll remember how high the clouds are, then I’ll panic, throw up, and die.
I took some Dramamine and a couple 10mg propranolol before getting here. I’m trying to do what I can to mitigate the symptoms. But the nausea and panic are too strong while in the moment. I’m staring at my map trying to find a route that avoids the country and interstate as long as possible. In other words, play leap frog from one small town to the next. But it’s impossible to completely avoid these roads. There’s a 15 minute stretch where I absolutely can’t get off the highway. I am stuck.
UPDATE:
I made it home! It took about 7 hours to do a trip that should have taken 2, but I’ll take it as a win. Thank you everybody for the kind words and encouragement.