Hey! I sing alt-pop/indie songs and need a professional music producer or beat creator to make some beats. I just need simple, atmospheric background music, nothing dramatic.
Inspiration vibes: Lana Del Rey, beabadoobee, Gracie Abrams.
Right now, it’s mostly acapella/humming melodies that just need a moody, simple cushion underneath. DM me if you're interested and I can send over a raw vocal sample!
So I actually had my first time with a hookup. With the first guy I was with, I actually left feeling nothing afterward and barely any regret (just moral). I didn't feel emotional AT ALL because he treated me purely as a physical satisfaction, so it truly meant nothing, and I'm glad I didn't feel heartbroken afterward. Luckily, there was really zero attachment, which is how I wanted to feel. I think what made it like that was the fact that he was purely physical and nothing more; we never talked about anything besides desires.
BUT then the second person came, and after him, I felt so drastically shattered, it was a pain I've never felt before. I also became attached to him (I'm getting teary remembering this). This person was also meant to be purely physical, we sexted and everything, and nothing more was expected. I was super nervous to meet him, and when we did, he seemed like the nicest person ever. He even told me directly that he didn't want to touch me because I seemed too innocent and he didn't want to ruin it. He complimented my eyes and and said that they were beautiful. He really took it slow with me and offered to go grab a drink, but I declined since I don't drink. Instead, I told him we could just go to his house to chill and talk there (I was stupid enough not to understand what could lead up in there).
So we did, and it was really innocent in the beginning. We were talking about things we were passionate about, he let me talk about the things I liked, and he just seemed like a genuinely decent, emotionally healthy person. In that moment, I just liked talking, but I didn't necessarily feel a connection, it didn't get that far, it was just the conversation and his kind nature. He then came closer and asked why I was sitting so far away. Eventually, we ended up in bed together. He put his arm around me, which was new to me at the time and felt a little rushed, but we were watching Tiktok on his phone while his arm was on my shoulder. Then slowly he started gliding his hand over my body and butt (gave me butterflies). He went for a kiss, which I refused because I had never kissed anyone before (and didn't want him to be my first kiss), though I didn't tell him that. He was disappointed and looked away. Afterward, I asked him to get on top of me, and he did. That's when the cuddling started, which then led to the real thing, with many steps to it. He noticed I was in pain from the penetration, but I got used to it. Anyway, literally right afterward, he seemed to have become attached. He said how he would marry me, called me the perfect girl in every guy's life, and showered me with the best compliments. I felt really wanted, which validated me A LOT. We then went for it a second time.
After that second time, he suddenly went on about how he regretted doing that with me. At the time, I didn't feel any negative emotions and was just happy, I guess, but he was very clearly affected by it in the worst way possible. I didn't know how to calm or reassure him, but he kept going on about how much he regretted doing that with me. By the way, just so you know, he is a promiscuous guy with a body count of over 40 people. He said he had never felt that type of feeling toward a girl except for me, that feeling of regret. He even said he valued or saw sex differently after me, and that I changed him in that regard. So he was just very affected and full of regret. He even asked me multiple times why I did it with him, saying, "Why did you do it?" putting the blame on me. Thinking about that now obviously breaks me.
At that time, it didn't affect me as much as it had affected him, but I did feel like I was falling in love and even told him so while we were cuddling. The next morning, I asked him for more, and he refused. He said he wouldn't normally say no, but he felt he had to this time to avoid causing any more hurt. So I left, feeling a bit like a crash. I went to work like normal, but when I got home, it hit me. It hit me so hard, I was crying hysterically and just feeling utter pain and sadness. It felt truly horrible, and I was sad the whole day. By the way, he didn't text me after I left, there was pure silence from him.
I then texted him and asked to meet up again. He said it wasn't a good idea and that he didn't want to create further damage, like he knew what happened was bad. The next day, I went over to his place wanting to do it again and just making the most out of this last night with him. We did, but there was less emotion from his side this time. I asked him for more the next morning, and he refused again. I gave him a final goodbye, and that was the last time we ever interacted. It felt seriously lonely for me after that, which triggered another mental breakdown. I literally collapsed at home, crying on the floor, not caring if anyone saw me. That feeling carried over into my life, not as intensely as it did the first day, but I continued my life thinking about it and regretting it, so I would call it a trauma.
Not to mention, after two months, I actually went over to get closure from him, which made things much worse. I found out that he had moved on and had a girlfriend. I left feeling even worse than the first time, at least after our first encounter, I knew he had feelings for me, but this time he was completely detached and only asked me to send nudes, which I didn't do. But he did say he felt guilty from it. It hurt me at the time, but it was understandable since they were more compatible. So yeah, this was my sexual story. After that, I promised myself not to let that repeat again unless it is with someone I love. Because in all reality, attachment is a beautiful feeling, and I just want that with someone long-term.
